10 pounds down, another 60 to go. 

The ironic thing about this year is that I’m doing things different than I did last year…and it’s working.  It can be tiresome to be at a plateau for a year and nothing works. 

Losing weight is never easy.  Everyone has their own issues with ‘how’ they gained weight…and how they’re taking it off. 

For me, I got the Lap-Band…it doesn’t work for me.  Why?  Because I fall into a different category…I’m one of five cases.  The other four had the band removed because it didn’t work for them either.  We fall into the category of people that gain weight as a ‘survival’ method.  We bulk on the layers as a means of protection against anyone that could possibly harm us…again.

It’s a self-defense mechanism.  We don’t eat much, but the body holds onto every single calorie ingested and builds fat around the body to make the wearer…unattractive at all costs. 

It’s not easy to lose that weight because it’s a ‘mental’ issue.  You have to try and switch off that self-defense mechanism. 

The only way I have been able to do that so far this year has been focusing on doing something that makes me happy every single day.

But don’t think that I’m not tackling this feat one step at a time.  I’m tackling it from all points.  From diet & exercise to meditation and just being happy has helped me drop 10+ pounds in a month.  Now, there’s a new element…spa treatments. 

Last night, I headed to Bliss Spa at the W Hotel on East 49th Street in Manhattan.  I signed up for their Carrot Sesame Wrap and their Love Handler (a treatment that uses the famous Bliss products Fat Girl Slim and the Love Handler the way they were meant to be used).

We started off with the Love Handler.  Gotta tell ya…it works.  It rejuvenates the circulation in your mid-section, moves stuff around so that you actually look better!  It stimulates the fat cells in your abdomen (and back) to start burning. 

For me, it didn’t really go into effect until after the Carrot Sesame Wrap.  I could feel it working.

While I was wrapped up in a cocoon with carrot/sesame and milk and honey drizzled all over my body, I had plenty of time to meditate.  What did I discuss this time with the Big Guy?  Well, it’s more a matter of what he said to me…

“You are beautiful.” 

There’s a lesson in those three simple words. 

As I’m lying there, completely naked, knowing what I look like naked…it’s hard to tell yourself that you’re doing something that’s good for you…that you’re doing this because you deserve it…that you’re getting this expensive beauty treatment because you need to embrace your own beauty.

Women know exactly what I’m talking about.  We are our own worst enemy.  We look at all of our flaws and how we need to change [what’s interesting is we do this to men all of the time].  If we don’t like our weight, we lose it.  If we don’t like our hairstyle, we change it.  If we don’t like the way our thighs look, we bust our ass at the gym. 

We never tell ourselves that we are beautiful.  We focus too much on what’s wrong with how we look that we never actually (or honestly) say, “I am beautiful.” 

Why?  Because we don’t believe that we are.  Society says we’re not perfect unless we’re a size negative zero, a glamazon that’s 6 feet tall, and perfect in every single way.  What they don’t tell us is that everyone in those magazines that we’re supposed to look like has been airbrushed.  Every single one of them has been airbrushed…including the Editor-in-Chief’s photo!

When I first came to NYC, I felt very self-conscious (just like most women in their 20s feel when they come to NYC for the first time).  There are models everywhere.  You share the same street corners with them, waiting for the pedestrian light to change.  You are criticized for what you’re wearing outside and around the Hearst offices. 

Running into Anna Wintour and getting the once over…scariest f’ing thing in the world.  You know she’s either thinking that you look gawd awful or she approves (which is more likely to be the former, rather than the latter). 

Then there’s Fashion Week.  There are fashion shoots in the middle of the sidewalk.  Is that a movie their filming?  Or another episode of The Sopranos? 

Looking perfect is in demand in this city.  You get hit with the magazine covers every which way you look.  In the hockey realm, just go to Madison Square Garden.  I run into 3 or 4 models every time I’m there. 

I’ve had the ones that partied with hockey players and because I ‘look’ like I know hockey players somehow…they tend to gravitate towards me like I’m 6 feet tall, and a model that parties with Alexander Ovechkin (ok…2 out of 3 were so wrong).  

Any woman in the presence of a glamazon (or what I sometimes call a ‘superfreak’ because those types of women are not the norm) can’t feel anything but self-conscious because all of us are supposed to look like them. 

If you’re not a model-type, you know exactly how it feels to be compared to them.  Imagine living in NYC and having to share this city with models (within the reach of all straight men), and constantly having to think that in order to be accepted in this town…you have to look like THAT.

If you’ve ever watched Ugly Betty from Episode 1 to the finale, you can see what NYC can do to a girl.  They took an overweight girl with no style and braces, deemed her ‘UGLY’ and turned her into a thinner, more attractive version of herself by the final season.  She changed the way she looked…and somehow was able to fit in, showing that an ugly duckling can turn into a swan.

But what the whole storyline loses sight of in that final season is why Betty changed the way she looked in order to ‘fit in.’  It was the fact that she WAS ‘Ugly Betty’ that made the series a hit.  She defied the odds by showing her inner beauty and sticking to her guns all throughout the HIT years.  The year she changed everything about herself (including losing weight) was also her final season.

The only reason why an Ugly Betty would change the way she looked on the outside is if she was unhappy with how she looked.

Women are told every single day that they have to be beautiful if they want a man, a good paying job (because women with looks make more than those who don’t have looks, and also are selected first in the job market over those without looks), and money…they have to have the right look.

You can see the toll it takes on women needing to be beautiful and to keep up with the glamazons.  It’s actually depressing. 

I know one woman that refuses to date or meet men because she thinks she needs to lose more weight before she dates.  She’ll hit the gym as much as she can, but instead of losing weight, her depression (and wine binges) makes her gain weight.  She gets farther and farther away from being with someone because she’s not happy within her own skin.

I’ve heard those excuses a lot.  I’ve said them to myself too.  It is depressing because you believe you’re not good enough.  What man would want a fat chick? 

That echoes a lot in the minds of women across America.  What man would want me if I am fat?    What’s even worse, is that most men said their #1 fear of meeting a woman they met online is finding out that she’s actually fat.  The #1 fear for women is that the guy is a serial killer.

How is that not even more depressing for women? 

Even that negative zero chick up on the runway thinks she’s fat.  Very few of those supermodels up on the runway or posing for Victoria’s Secret believe they are beautiful.  Very few…because they’re all women.

They see their own flaws.  One has cellulite…another’s lips aren’t big enough…one needs a boob lift…another thinks she’s too fat to fit into the clothes… The cycle goes on and on. 

We are our own worst enemy when we look in the mirror…or put on a pair of clothes…or just lie naked in a room covered in carrot/sesame, milk and honey…knowing there’s someone else in the room watching over you and touching your entire body. 

My spa technician and I were talking about the importance of human touch.  She told me that a lot of her clients are either overstressed, nervous (because they’re naked) or just plain angry.  The vibrations they give off, she can feel when she’s massaging the various products onto their bodies. 

Of course, I had to ask what she got from me.  Ends up she can only feel negative vibrations.  She said she didn’t get anything from me.  No anger…no nervousness…no negative energy. 

I had to think…why am I not nervous about being naked and having a complete stranger touch me all over my body?  It’s like at the hospital when a male nurse came in and said he needed to check my stitches to make sure nothing had opened up, etc.  I just lifted my gown right up and said, “Here.” 

He was a little shocked, because he said that most patients aren’t that free to lift up their gown to a member of the opposite sex like that.  My response, “You’re a nurse, right?  Why would I care about that?”  I’m more concerned that my insides hadn’t exploded out of me (I had a severe bronchial infection thanks to the surgery; each cough felt like my insides were about to burst out of me).

I’m the type of person that doesn’t care to show my nakedness to a doctor or a spa technician.  Why?  Because I don’t pay them to judge me.  Ergo, they don’t. 

It’s the ones that stand around in the ladies’ locker room (the same women that feel as self-conscious as the next woman), or try on clothes in the fitting room…or get naked in front of a man for the first time…those are the ones that make you feel that you are not good enough.

It’s not exactly those people that make you feel it.  It’s what you tell yourself when you are in their presence.

My friend, who is a size 4, refuses to change in the same fitting room as me.  Me…I don’t care…we have to see what the other person is trying on anyway.  She’s so self-conscious about the way she looks naked, that she doesn’t want me to see it. 

Seriously…I look at her and think…hello…you’re a size 4…I have more to be scared about than you do. 

She has judged how she looks and has determined what I would think of her body before she even puts the dress on. 

How many of us do that?  We judge our own bodies before the other person can?  We tell ourselves what the other person is thinking, when it’s not the case at all.

It’s like men…some guys will wear their shirt around and no pants.  Why?  Because they’re self-conscious about how their abs look…or their chests…or maybe their arms…

Frankly, most of the time, no one cares.  The only person that cares about how you look is usually only one person…YOURSELF.

That means that the only person’s opinion that really counts…is your own.

Try saying “You are beautiful” to yourself…and actually believe it.

Lying in that cocoon, I had to say it to myself a lot of times.  The point of saying it was to believe in it.  Also helps when God is saying “You are beautiful, but you don’t believe it…”  It makes you realize just how much we hurt ourselves.

That was yesterday’s lesson.  Believing that I am beautiful no matter what flaws I have…no matter what this journey has been about…I have to believe that I am beautiful if this adventure of “Losing 100 Pounds of Unhappiness” is going to work.

We make ourselves unhappy every single day by saying things to ourselves that we would probably punch a person out if they said it to us.  We assume people would say these horrible things about our bodies, when the person standing next to us in the gym locker room is just as scared as we are that the person next to us is going to notice our flaws.

We live in a society of make believe.  Supermodels, magazine ads and covers…they’re not real.  Everything is airbrushed…a mirage painted onto a photo to make a person believe that it is real.  We are not living airbrushed photos.  Why are we comparing ourselves to a photoshopped image?

Believing that we are beautiful, no matter what flaws we have, is the most important endeavor in change.  If we want to be happy in our own skin, we have to believe we are beautiful.

Ladies know all about this…remember when Loving Yourself 101 meant taking a mirror and looking at your vagina?  Don’t think Bliss Spa doesn’t hand you a mirror to look at yourself.  I’m not joking.

Any woman that walks into a spa and has the Love Handler performed (which, I might add, feels like I did about a million situps yesterday…feeling the burn today), followed by the Carrot Sesame Wrap…you start to appreciate why human touch is so important.  It’s calming and it relaxes you.  It makes you feel safe…but most of all…beautiful.

Repeating to myself that I am beautiful all throughout the Carrot Sesame treatment helped me to realize just how important saying those three words (and believing it) is in changing your life.  It’s the mental aspect.  You can’t be happy with yourself and with life if you are ridiculing yourself.  No one is ever going to be perfect.  You have to love what you’ve got.  You have to accept that this is the body you are in.  You have to believe that no matter what the end result is…you are beautiful.

Sure, there are things we’d like to change about it…but everybody thinks that.  You can either do it positively, or negatively.  You can either encourage yourself by thinking positive, or depress yourself by thinking negatively.

Sure, we all have that amazing body image of ourselves in our mind, but those images are just as fake as an airbrushed photo.  We have to work towards being healthy, being fit, and being happy with the skin we are in.  We all have our flaws and scars that will never go away.  My scars remind me of the surgeries I’ve had…the cancer I’ve faced…and the time I had malaria in Thailand.  My flaws remind me of my parents…and how I look like them more and more as I get older.  It connects me to them.

There are things that we cannot change.  But the things that we can change, with time, energy and continuous effort, we can re-shape our lives into something else.

I was watching “Dan In Real Life” over the weekend. One of the last quotes in the movie talked about the things in life you should prepare for…you should prepare to be surprised.

On Valentine’s Day, one of my best friends text messaged me a picture of her hand.  That was it. 

It was what was on her hand that surprised me.  After nine years, he had finally popped the question.  She said it was three years in the making.  I informed her, “No, it was 9 years in the making.”

I don’t think she was counting the years he was married to someone else…and then the time he was going through the divorce. 

To most of the single ladies out there that get involved with a married man, this happy ending normally doesn’t happen.  But the reason why it happened with these two…it was because you could tell from the start…they belonged together.

There are no two people that are better suited for each other than they are with each other.  The way she lights up when she says his name, you know that’s love.  It’s like there were diamonds in her eyes long before they started to think about marriage.  That’s how he made her sparkle…like a diamond.

They have that special love that you can only see in people that belong together.  It’s not a matter of finding ‘the One’ or ‘true love.’  It’s a matter of finding someone that makes you smile uncontrollably at the sound of their name.  It’s the person that makes your eyes sparkle like diamonds glittering in the sky.  It’s the person that makes you laugh all of the time. 

It takes two to light that fire…and it’s a fire that you can see in both of their eyes.

That is love.

In all of those years my friend was dating a married man, I never chastised her or told her she should stay away from him and find a ‘single’ guy.  I never did because I could see they belonged together. 

Sure, to an extent, I felt bad for the wife.  But there were too many signs in their marriage that said things were not working out.  He wasn’t even sleeping with his own wife by the time he met my friend.  Their bed had grown cold over the years. 

I never said a thing to my friend about how it was wrong to have an affair because I saw how he made her so happy. 

Before he came along, she wasn’t the type that was ‘happy.’  She was not happy when I met her.  She was definitely not a cheery individual.  She was one of those types of people that you look at and think…ummm…yeah…I’ll be going now.  Why?  Because she’ll look at you like she’s ready to rip you apart.

The only time I ever saw her happy was after this guy came into her life.  Even my brother has met the guy.  He always said he was jealous that this guy had my good friend’s heart, because if he didn’t, my brother would be chasing after her (because she’s so hot). 

Even my brother says that those two belong together. 

She wasn’t looking for love when this guy walked into her life.  He wasn’t either.  He was married with kids.  But somehow, life brought them together.  That was their surprise in life. 

They were both very unhappy with their lives.  It’s amazing how two unhappy people meet and find happiness within each other. 

He makes her smile.  He makes her laugh.  He makes her feel loved.  He makes her feel like she had found what was missing in her life…happiness.

It’s because of how amazing he has made her feel inside, I can’t thank him enough for coming into her life. 

I pray that they have an amazing life together.  These are the Valentine’s Day surprises worth writing about.  I’m so happy for them…her smile makes my soul smile.

Since the month of February is all about the focus on love & happiness, this week’s adventures have made me think about those things I love that bring me happiness.

From friends and family (on Valentine’s Day) to ME days, here are the things I’ve discovered this week.

1.  The Love of a Really Good Meal.  Over these past two years, I’ve learned to appreciate really good food.  I’ve become a bit of a foodie, which also means that I’ve been cooking up a lot of amazing recipes from Food & Wine. 

This, of course, has been a bit strange, especially in terms of the “Losing 100 Pounds of Unhappiness” venture.  When something is taken away from you, you don’t realize just how much you miss it until you’re sitting in a doctor’s office and they’re telling you that they’re getting ready to admit you into the emergency room.  Why?  Because the tests are coming back as red flags (all of them) and the reason why…because they’ve discovered you’re taking in (at a maximum) 450 calories per day and had been for a long time…meaning…your body is shutting down. 

While the answer would be to EAT MORE.  For me, it’s not that simple.  The body rejects so much food that it’s taken me 2 years to discover what it’s not going to reject.  I’ve had to learn how to eat in a different way.  What have I learned?  Eat only what you crave, and if you’re going to eat, make sure it’s organic, fresh, and not processed. Only eat what will make your tastebuds squeal with delight.

If the body is craving pizza…pizza it is.  What I’ve learned is that the body wants something that will make the tastebuds sing…like a real Italian pizza that makes you feel like you need to go all the way to Naples to have your very own margherita pizza.

If I’m going to eat pasta, I want it to come from a real Italian restaurant where the ingredients are fresh and every bite just makes your body go “Mmmmmm.”

If I’m going to be happy with food…I want it to be the type of food that makes my entire body go “Mmmmm.”  That’s my deal with my body.  If it’s going to eat…I’m going to have to do this right.

Learning to eat food has been no easy task.  It’s something I hate doing, but I have learned to do it the right way by only eating the types of food that make me feel happy.  [Now if only I could figure out how running can make me happy!]

2.  A Girl Loves to Shop.  I learned a few days ago that I received a promotion, as well as a pay raise and a fat bonus.  So what’s the first thing on my mind?  What in the hell am I going to do with all of this extra money?

If the Meditation Center has taught me anything…you share the wealth.

Since I live by the 50/30/20 principle [50% goes to MUST HAVE expenses, 30% to the wants and 20% to savings], seeing that the 30% budget has all of a sudden gone up, I’m left to wonder what I’m going to do with all of this extra spending money.

As in…what am I going to do with that 30% allotted to me to spend however I want to spend it…GUILT FREE???

After my little trip into Anastasia Brow Studio at Sephora (the best place in NYC to get your brows done…expensive, but they do it right…they’re experts), I went into Saks Fifth Avenue.

In the past, I always felt insecure about going in there.  You can never find anything for under $100.  Their clothes are for those size 00 models.  Good luck finding anything nice if you’re bigger than a size 12.

Knowing what the new GUILT FREE budget was like, I decided to start buying investment pieces for my wardrobe.  I have all of the basics (x4) in my wardrobe already, but I have only a few investment pieces…those classic, designer pieces that will last a lifetime.  So I decided to take a look around and see what I could add to my collection.

I bought a bottle of Hermes eau de toilette and they handed me a teal bag, because apparently the beauty event included free tote bags.  🙂  My kind of event!

Next stop were the handbags…more specifically…Valentino.  I wanted to see the new straw/lace bag (retails at $1395) that Jennifer Love Hewitt has been spotted carrying around.  It looked nice on her, but my concern was if I invested that much money into this bag, would the straw part unravel?  If so, it wouldn’t be worth my money.  The salesman at Saks said they would repair it for the first year for free, afterwards, I’d have to pay for any repair to the Valentino bag.

I said, “I have to think about it.”

Why?  Because this is a major investment.

I walked around all of the floors looking at the various spring collections to find some sort of inspiration.  I was on the fourth floor when I noticed an elegant dress by Josie Natori.  I picked up the dress and thought…no, it can’t be. 

I asked the saleslady if I could try it on.  She led me into the fitting room.  I tried it on and just stood there in shock.  This dress fit me perfectly.  I probably needed to go down a size, but it looked amazing.

The saleslady came back to check on me and I told her I needed to think about it (it was $495).  I told her I was just in shock that the dress fit me so well. 

That was when she gave me an education on Josie Natori clothing. 

Josie apparently has women in a variety of sizes in her office.  All of her designs are meant to fit women from the smallest size to the biggest size in her office.  Josie is a tiny woman, but she understands that all women want to feel beautiful, so all of her designs are made to fit all women.

Knowing that, and the fact that the specialist is now my personal shopper that will let me know anytime a new Natori item is available (including Natori sales), I am sold.  Natori will be my new investment go to as I upgrade my wardrobe.

You see, you can have all of the Gap and Ann Taylor in your closet…but those are just the basics.  You can stock up and wear that stuff forever.  But a true fashionista…she has her investment pieces too.

What is also nice about the dress…it will be perfect for the Sahara desert.

I headed up to the 5th floor after that and discovered RED VALENTINO.  I didn’t know there were Red Valentino handbags.  I saw the pricetag and said, “Do my eyes deceive me?” 

Now, it’s a matter of picking the right bag.  Red Valentino retails between $295-$650.  That’s about 60-75% cheaper than the Valentino bags on the first floor!

While I was looking at the Red Valentino bags, a salesman came over to assist me.  Gotta love the staff at Saks…he tried on all of the different purses to help me decide which one to get! LOL.  His Latin accent, carrying around these purses over his shoulder…so funny. 

I just have to decide which Red Valentino bag I’m going to buy.  It’s a cross between the classic Valentino bow or the ruffles/sequins.  Classic versus GIRL POWER!  Who knows, with the lower cost of both bags, I may end up getting them both.

By the time I saw the spring shoes, I decided, my pleasure senses were in overdrive because of all of the eye candy.  That was a sign to call it quits for my adventure that day.

As I was walking towards the escalators, I realized…Saks is where I belong now.  As in, wow…I can afford this place with my GUILT FREE money.  I can build a whole new wardrobe one piece at a time.

As I was heading out of Saks, I noticed a line of parfum I’d seen recently in a magazine.  I stopped to try their scents out…and I ended up walking away with another bottle of parfum (for over $100) and another tote bag.  The salesman was so kind, he said he’d give me samples of any of the other fragrances I liked.  So I told him to hook me up with the Gardenia scent…he gave me 3 samples!  I love Saks…

When I got home and started putting my new purchases away, I opened up the teal tote bag and discovered a bag filled with SAMPLES.  I about fainted…

I quickly opened up the other bag to find even more samples!  I was even more excited because I wasn’t expecting this.  I was just thinking…cool…I have two more handbags I can use that are the perfect size for me.  Little did I know there were some freebies inside.

All of the perfume I didn’t buy, but was considering buying…I have 2 samples of each…Jimmy Choo, Cartier, and Chloe.

I went through all of the samples (with the dear cat watching to see what was going on) and separated out what I knew I absolutely could not use and took them in for my co-workers to keep.

The day before, I gave a co-worker a dress I forgot to return.  Brand new, tags still on it. 

This is what I mean by sharing the wealth.  When you buy something for yourself, make sure you can share some of that wealth with your friends and family.  Amazing how some free samples from Saks could lighten up everyone’s day.

 I’m going to explain why this adventure to Saks made me so happy.  First, I love clothes.  I love the designer clothing as much as the next New York girl.  We’ve spent the last ten years watching Sex and The City thinking…I want to wear what they’re wearing. 

The moment you realize that you can finally afford those things, it’s like a coming of age for any New York fashionista.  We know that we can still shop at the Gap, but we can also buy a piece of art to grace our bodies.

In my twenties, I always went into these stores just flabbergasted at the price tags.  I could only walk by and think…this is so out of my reach.  But now, I can pick that dress up and say, “Can I try this on?”  Next thing you know, I have a new personal shopper.

I don’t buy on credit.  This is my guilt free money that I earned.

I turn 35 this year.  That’s about the age that the famous New Yorker four started buying their investment pieces.  It is like a coming of age for any fashionista.  That’s what made this journey so special.

3.  The Love of a Signature Piece.  I love handbags.  I don’t kid when I say that.  I have to restrain myself because in one shopping trip I could walk away with 2-9 handbags (case in point, last night at Saks…they gave me 2 for free, prevented me from buying 1). 

My collection is growing steadily from one designer to the next.  From Valentino to Kate Spade to new designers to the no names…I’ve got them…and I love them.  Handbags are less torturous than shoes.  Shoes are beautiful too, but I like being able to feel my feet after ten steps. 

Due to my overgrowing collection, I have to switch bags every two weeks.  Today’s bag happens to be last night’s free Saks tote bag equipped with a Tiffany & Co. classic blue scarf.  Trust me, the scarf is worth more than the bag.  😉

But what I love about this bag…it’s teal, it’s big, and it’s easy to carry…not to mention it was FREE.

I’ve become a fan of various blogs like “The Looks For Less” and “Your Next Handbag.”  What I love about both sites is that they feature the designer handbag, and then they’ll show you how to get the similar look from a different designer (or site). 

I’ve been carrying around a black bag these last two weeks.  One of my bosses saw it and exclaimed she had to get one.  I told her that I saw the exact bag on Looks For Less and it directed me to a site called HandbagHeaven.com.  For less than $50, that bag was mine.  Vanessa Hudgens had been toting around a similar bag.

Ends up, the design is the same as the FENDI bag.  Of course, I discovered that two weeks later.  But I liked the style…I could care less if it were a Fendi or not.

That Valentino bag with straw and lace, BCBGeneration came out with a similar bag (but cuter) for $108 (versus the $1395 for Valentino).  YourNextHandbag.com featured that bag…and guess what?  Good luck finding it anywhere.  I just grabbed the last one off of Zappos.com. 

I’ll also be picking up the Big Buddha version for $89 because it’s more reminiscent of what I loved about the 2010 Fall collection from Louis Vuitton (can’t find the lace bag anywhere…not even at Louis Vuitton). 

Between Handbag Heaven and MurvalParis.com I’m set on the various no name handbags.  Modnique.com, Ideeli.com, Gilt.com and BeyondTheRack.com are also great to pick up new designers as well as the big designers at the sample sale cost.

Every person needs a signature style…that piece that everyone compliments you on.  For me, it’s jewelry, handbags and scarves.  It’s the accessories you can play with that will go with just about anything. 

For Carrie Bradshaw, her signature look was all about the Manolo Blahnik shoes.  I may have adopted Natori, but it’s only a matter of time before we see if she becomes my new signature look.  Until then, the accessories have it.

4.  The Love of Fashion.  This being Fashion Week in NYC, most fashionistas are looking to see what they’ll be wearing in the fall.  Right now, the Spring Collection is starting to make its way into stores.

The fun thing about fashion is that you can create your own signature style.  You can mix and match pieces that you’ve acquired to create a new look…your look. 

I can’t stand watching a group of women together dressed exactly alike.  You can tell they’re under 30 years old and have no concept of what it means to wear clothing.  They’re just following the trends.  They wear what their friends are wearing.  So instead of 5 unique individuals, you have one HUGE woman…as in, all 5 meld into one person because they all look alike…all the way down to the hair and nails.

There’s no individuality to separate one woman from the next. 

To me, there is nothing more embarrassing than seeing another woman wearing the same thing as you…at the same time.  So ladies, don’t let the trends define what you are wearing.  Define what you are wearing by adding what you like about the latest trends and then making it your own.  Let your personality shine in the clothes you are wearing.

Here’s a hint for budding fashionistas…buy quality clothing, not the cheap stuff.  If it feels cheap, has poor craftsmanship, it’s not worth your money.  It’s like throwing it away in the trash can.  It’s a guarantee you can buy the exact thing for the same price (maybe even cheaper) at a department store like Lord & Taylor. 

Forever 21 and H&M are cheaply done.  I went in there once and walked out thinking…what a waste.  Looks pretty, but poorly and cheaply made. 

If you want qualitative, walk into stores like Gap, Banana Republic, New York and Company, and Ann Taylor Loft. Even Target is better quality!  They have great sales (in the stores, not online…they charge more online).  The Natori specialist told me that if it wasn’t for the Gap providing all of her BASICS, she didn’t know what she would do.

Every fashion magazine preaches…go to the Gap, etc. for the basics (tank tops, tees, jeans, pants, and the other latest trends).  Those types of stores are the places where you stock up on the basics.

When you’ve mastered a wardrobe with the basics (which took me 5 years to do in NYC), start incorporating investment pieces into your wardrobe.  Make sure they make a statement…ABOUT YOU.  If you don’t feel beautiful in it every single time you put it on, then it’s not for you.  Buy what you’re going to feel happy in.

The last perfume salesman told me last night…he wasn’t going to sell the product to me unless the scent made me happy.  It was a bottle of $135 perfume.  He reminded me that if you’re investing in something like a scent you’re going to wear…it needs to make you happy every single time you put it on.

Pacifica’s Brazilian Mango Grapefruit perfume makes me happy every single time I put it on…and it’s only $22 a bottle.  I love it so much, I spray it all over the house.  I do the same for L’Occitane’s Green Tea ($46). 

You invest in those products that are going to make you happy each and every time you wear it.  [Word of caution with scents…don’t bulk buy perfume.  Your mood changes, as does the type of perfume you wear.  I bulked up on Coco Chanel over 12 years ago, because it was my scent of the moment.  Big mistake to bulk up.  I haven’t worn it in a decade.]

  5.  It’s a Beautiful Day.  Something you can get for free…go outside and enjoy the beautiful weather when it strikes your hometown.  Today, it’s 65 degrees out.  After storm after crazy snowstorm, the weather has finally started to feel springy.  Go out and enjoy it…even if it is just walking around the block…enjoy the first warm days of 2011.

6.  I <3 My Neighborhood.  I live in the perfect neighborhood.  5 star restaurants line the street.  Cute boutique shops housing so much stuff that you look around trying to make a decision on just ONE item…because everything is just so wonderful!

There’s the movie theater across the street…$5.  A library around the corner where you can check out books, music and DVDs for FREE.  You can even use the internet there (if you don’t have it at home). 

There’s that pizza place I love to order pizza from.  I’ll walk right by the competitor half a block down and show the owner, while he’s outside, that I bought MY pizza from the shop down the street.  It burns him up every single time.  That’s what he gets for refusing to let me buy a pie at his shop a few years ago.  I almost called him a racist bastard when he did it. 

The train/bus to the city and to Newark (for NJD games) are all within walking distance.

The neighborhood is literally crime free.  Police response time is less than 30 seconds. 

This is the kind of neighborhood that you can’t help but fall in love with.  It’s costly to buy a house there, but that’s because you’re buying into what the neighborhood has to offer.

Living in a neighborhood that caters to everything you could possibly need [and if they don’t have it, it’s within ordering distance], makes you love your home even more.  There’s that peaceful tranquility that goes with living in an area that you love, because you can simply say to yourself that you are home.

You should always live in a place that makes you happy.

There is something you are taught in Raj Yoga…the importance of detachment and not seeking any form of attachment to anything in this universe. That includes detachment from other human beings.

It’s a concept that is probably the most difficult for parents when it comes to their children, but in the long run, you see the benefits. I’m not talking about loving your children any less…I’m talking about detaching your need for them and learning to love them where you don’t need them (as a possession) in order to love them.

This falls under the category that my friend would call…Michelle’s on a higher plane and I’m clueless as to what she’s talking about. He usually figures it out about 3-6 months later (mind you, he’s 20 years older than me, but spiritually, he considers me wiser than anyone he’s ever met in his life).

This is not about hockey, so you can skip this post if you’re not interested. This post is actually meant to explain ‘who I am’ a little better to those who haven’t gotten a clue yet.

I try to take a step back and let fate take it’s course in life. Yes, I notice when someone has gone out of their way to cock block someone from coming into my picture…especially when I am told what happened and what was said that caused said person that was being cock blocked to walk away.

But I start to see a trend here. I start to see what fate is doing when I take a step back and look at the entire situation.

Fate has put a lot of blockers on. At one spectrum, I’m being stopped from moving forward with someone else. On the other spectrum, I see blockers being placed up around me saying to him…DO NOT EVEN ATTEMPT TO GO NEAR HER! If you do, you’ll regret it.

I’ve watched it happen more times than I can count, yet he still plays cock block when others try to come near me.

So where does Michelle stand in all of this?

Looking around me seeing love being blocked all around me, and I’m not the one putting up the blockers. Fate is doing that.

I’ve had to think about the Rock Star and maybe going back to him. Maybe that was why all the blockers have been falling into place. But that wasn’t it. Fate said it was the past…leave it alone.

Then there’s this guy that cock blocks anyone that attempts to come near me. Yet, he’s blocked from coming near me from every single avenue. That was the universe saying…DON’T.

I’ve had people who knew of the situation advising me to turn away from him. ‘Don’t encourage him,’ they all said. ALL OF THEM.

So I’ve listened to every side and there’s only one constant. Michelle remains alone.

Making that as a choice was something I made back on January 1. It’s taken me three months to make sure I was certain with this decision, but I am pretty certain with it now.

You see, part of my journey in “Losing 100 Pounds of Unhappiness” is discovering the things that make me unhappy. The more I go through life I realize how much men really piss me the fuck off…I’m talking about the ones that are vying for my affection. Once they get it, they misuse it. Every single one of them.

The second I fall in love, I see everything crumble within seconds.

Sure, I ask myself everyday if I made the right decision in leaving the Rock Star, knowing he moved to Los Angeles in hopes that I would stop being mad at him and show up there. I never stopped being mad at him for misusing the love he demanded from me. My little Dorian Grey.

You see, I believe I deserve something better. That, in the end, makes me think that the more I go through life, the whole ‘detachment’ card is the most important card to carry. The second you get attached to someone in love, the sooner they will twist that love and hurt you…basically breaking your heart.

I’m not saying that happens to everybody. I’m saying that happens to me.

Granted, my friends tell me not to give up on love, but I look at them and say…No. It’s not for me. It’s for you guys.

There is always the hope to love someone romantically, but as I’ve always said, I don’t believe in hopes. They’re not real. The only thing that is real is belief.

The constant has always been me. I have always said that no one (besides God) will love me more than I love myself. It’s proven true in every aspect of my life. The love of a parent is not the kind of love I’ve sought in life. They always disappointed me. The love from someone else…always a disappointment because it’s not what you need and it’s never what you wanted or hoped for.

The only love that you can count on and appreciate is the love you have for yourself.

I’m not talking about the kind of love that’s egotistical. It’s the kind of love that makes people look at you differently and think, “I want to be just like her.” It’s a different kind of love that you radiate.

In the line of raj yoga, you incorporate that love for one’s self with that of God’s love…and you let that love radiate through you so that others may see and feel God’s love. In essence, it’s all one in the same when the effort to love from yourself is from the original source (God).

So what I’m saying is…boys, give it up. I’ve made my decision and I’m not changing it. You had your chance to sway me in this matter, and you failed. The only constant has been the blockers in loving someone else. It was never meant to be. Let it go like I have.

When you realize that we don’t have all of the time in the world, you begin to look at life a little differently. We only have a set amount of time to do what we set out to do. Tomorrow is never promised…only this very moment.

You see, I have had to contemplate on the desires I have in my life. Desires are only what they are…just desires. Sometimes desires can become too attached in what society or other people expect from us.

There are others that are called upon to be greater people. They are the muses in humanity. They are the ones that are set to inspire people to be better than who they are…even if it’s reading this blog post or being in that person’s presence. These are the people that have a higher calling in life that is often misinterpreted.

If I could roll the film to show you my life, you’d be amazed at how much I have accomplished in such a short amount of time. I lived every single dream. I stopped wasting time when I realized how little time I had left. Sometimes you just know.

I don’t look at life as time being infinite. I look at life as a clock ticking downward…where time will be at 0:00:00 and thus no time remains. When it hits that time, I want to be able to say, I did what I came here to do. I am done.

In essence, that is how we should all view life.

If you love someone, tell them. Live a life with no regrets, because tomorrow may come and that person you loved will no longer be around.

Dante’s “Divine Comedy” is all about that. What hell he went through because he never told the woman he loved that he loved her. She died…and yet inspired Dante’s finest work, yet described his living hell for all eternity.

The more I go through life, the more I realize that I made my choice 10 years ago. Not just on January 1, 2010. I made this choice 10 years ago. I had hoped that somewhere, the universe would change my mind. It never did…it only re-emphasized why I made the decision 10 years ago.

I am happy right where I am standing. That’s all that matters.

“The Most Living Moment” by Rumi

The most living moment comes
when those who love each other meet each other
and in what flows between them then.

To see your face in a crowd of others,
or alone on a frightening street, I weep for that.
Our tears improve the earth.

The time you scolded me,
your gratitude, your laughing,
always your qualities increase the soul.

Seeing you is a wine that does not muddle or numb.

We sit inside the cypress shadow
where amazement and clear thought
twine their slow growth into us.

First, before I start talking about hockey and I have your immediate attention…I’d like to talk about a couple of charities.

The Hockey Guys are hosting a fundraiser to benefit LiveStrong: The Lance Armstrong Foundation and the Leukemia/Lymphoma Socity.

I’ve been holding back on pulling my “I have cancer” card and have already donated $100 to the cause. But, I’m pulling it out, because technically, when you have the disease they’re fundraising for…it doesn’t make sense to donate money to it…but I did anyway…which I hope will encourage you to do so as well.

I donated because: 1. They’re my colleagues. 2. They needed help. 3. All they’re asking for is just a $1 donation towards their goal of $2500.

I still have yet to see a single dollar donated beyond what I donated along w/ that of what one of the organizer’s donated. Yes, I’m a bit disappointed in the hockey community when I see that.

So I’m going to do one better…for each dollar donated because you read it here, I’ll match the donation, up to $500 total. So get to donating. Here’s the link: What’s Brewin Stock Donation Page for Livestrong

Just indicate MK w/ your name on your donation pledge so I know that was a donation for me to match.

Here are the details on the actual fundraiser (if you can make it): Fundraiser Information.

Hockey Fights Cancer, as well as the NHL, have already made donations for their auction they’re holding. If they’re on board, why aren’t YOU?

So help out The Hockey Guys and the hockey community as we work towards fighting cancer.

The second charity I’d like to talk about is Chile.

I’m a little disappointed in North Americans not running to aid Chile. Here are some pictures that shocked the hell out of the Twitter world when I posted them up (thanks to HoldEmTalkRadio for sending them to me).

Now, my question is: why do we pick and choose which natural disaster to aid?

We’re all one race: HUMAN.

I don’t care what the wealth of the nation is…it’s not the people that are wealthy, it’s the country! So we should pass judgment on other humans based on what country they live in?

Don’t compare it to Haiti. You reach out your hand and help.

You can start by donating to The American Red Cross. March is American Red Cross month. So you can pick and choose where you want your money to go.

As a FYI, when you give, the universe gives back to you. I donated to three different charities last week. Guess what I got in return so far…Sheryl Crow tix (2 tix), free lunch, free Starbucks, free goody bag from a major magazine, a special prototype hockey helmet from Easton Hockey…I could go on.

I give and the universe gives in return. It’s called karma. What kind of karma you give to the world is the kind of karma you get back.

Now…I’m done lecturing.

Let’s talk hockey.

CHRIS CHELIOS…is making his way back to the NHL. Atlanta to be exact. Unless by some act of God (aka Lou Lamoriello) decides to grab the D-MAN off of waivers before 12PM tomorrow. Just imagine how much money we would save by picking the D off of waivers and splitting the contract with Chicago. After all, we need a D-man and on the cheap.

Devils fans wouldn’t like that, BUT it beats what we would pay for Dan Hamhuis (who performed horribly when we got a look at him a few weeks ago). Besides, if New Jersey was looking at Hammy…ask yourself this: why are Predators fans so eager to get rid of him for next to nothing? Hmmm…

If it was anything like he showed us, he ain’t all that.

GOOD NEWS for Devils fans. David Clarkson has been reactivated from the injured reserve (and just in time)! Paul Martin is expected to return next Wednesday.

Now, I’ve been hinting at this for weeks…no one picked up on the name I was hinting around with…I threw names out there like Sergei Brylin to throw people off the scent…but it surfaced in Vancouver.

Jaromir Jagr.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen Jaromir Jagr and Devils in the same sentence in the past few weeks.

But what I find funny, the player I picked up the name Jaromir Jagr to the Devils from (by reading his mind), has been talking about Jagr as of late to the beat reporters. Stan Fischler has been talking about it (even before then). Foreshadowing of things to come?

Usually the selling point for the Devils is: “I don’t care how much I get paid. It’s not about that. It’s about winning.” Kovalchuk has said it. Jagr was saying it in Vancouver.

After all, Jagr never has to worry about earning a paycheck ever again. What he made in Russia…whew…NO ONE has ever made that kind of money. So he really can live with next to nothing if he so decided to sign with a top 8 eastern conference team that’s heading into the playoffs in 2010.

KHL has 12 games left according to the last tweet I saw from KHL Hockey. The NHL trade deadline does not effect signing a KHL player. There are different rules. Jagr’s contract will end with the KHL unless he signs an extension.

Based on what I’ve heard from SKA St. Petersburg…money is an issue…i.e. lack of money, not getting paid, serious paycuts…you get my drift.

Speaking of SKA St. Petersburg…the KHL President said that SKA St. Petersburg will match…even double…whatever the Devils (or the NHL) is willing to pay Ilya Kovalchuk if the Devils (NHL) re-signs him.

Ummm…yeah…back to the ‘not getting paid, serious paycuts’…Mr. KHL President, you must not have spoken to Ilya, because Ilya has had a big smile on his face since he became a New Jersey Devil. He said that it’s not about the money. It’s about winning.

Unless the KHL has the Stanley Cup…Ilya ain’t going. Ilya has already started thwarting the rumors.

Besides, if it was really about the money, he would have signed that outrageous contract the Thrashers were willing to give to him.

Ilya has the trademark signs of remaining a Devil. He walks the walk and talks the talk.

Alright…one last ditty about Burrows before I talk about other stuff (yeah…Venti Soy Peppermint Mocha has somewhat calmed me down)…

Some interesting stuff that Preds On the Glass had written up from the Nashville Predators vs. Vancouver Canucks game. Buddy was telling me today that it wasn’t until Tuesday when his son Jackson had written up what had happened with Burrows/Auger that he learned what was going on. He went back to read the feed that he had written during the Preds/Canucks game and thought…there indeed was something going on with the officiating.

CLICK HERE TO GO TO THE STORY

Oh, and a lot of people are happy I grabbed the comments from the NHL’s Facebook page before it disappeared. It just goes to show that there is a major controversy here and fans disgruntled voices need to be heard!

Moving on away from the stuff that really pisses me off today…

Curtis Joseph will be getting his 19 days AFTER I’m done with Shanny’s so-called 21 days (that has taken forever to write). I think the NHL provided me with enough stuff to work off of for the rest of the season to do CuJo’s 19 days. Thanks guys!

Also, a little follow-up regarding the radio show…we are working out the details and have set a date to begin in mid-February. We’ll have more details in the next month.

I’m teaming up with a couple of other ladies from the hockey blogosphere and creating our own Radio Podcast. We’re still working on the details, but it looks like we’re coming up with a long list of things to talk and vent about the way us hockey ladies should. 🙂

Seems like we’re getting a lot of amazing feedback on creating a female threesome radio show.

So stay tuned…we’ll be releasing the details soon. 😉

Welcome to the first Monday of 2010.

While I’ll finish up Shanny’s 21 Days this month (my first resolution of 2010)…there are also some other things on the resolution calendar this year for me.

Right now, the thing that is stressing me out (and I’m getting overly excited for) is my first Black and White Ball. Not only am I excited that I’ll be able to wear a gown I purchased 10 years ago (likelihood of no one wearing the same dress as me is pretty high), but it also means that I’ll be rubbing elbows with the elite of New York.

I was a bit shocked when I received the invitation. I remember a few years ago when I first came to NYC, my boss (at the time) realized from the start that I was a socialite. He told me that it was very hard to break into the NY socialite circle, but if I wanted to return to being a socialite, he’d be willing to introduce me into the circle…BUT it wouldn’t be a nice circle.

I’m sure if you’ve seen Gossip Girl or any rich hobnobby type movie, you’ll understand that the NY elite is very cut throat. So why are they inviting a hockey columnist?

I guess it’s hard to explain. It has a lot to do with my past, the things I’ve done, the heritage, the family, the politics, the who you know…the what I’ve done…what I’m going to do…

Yeah…there’s a lot that goes into it.

When I first came to NYC, I didn’t want to return to the socialite circle…not until I was ready. So now the time has come to officially introduce myself to the NY society…as a writer, photographer, artist and philanthropist. Notice that I did not say as a hockey columnist.

Truthfully, not too many socialites care about the ‘hockey’ part.

Does this mean I’m going to turn into something I’m not? Ummm…no.

Which leads me to a dream I had last night about becoming.

I happen to be doing some research on the topic of LOVE for both books I’ve been working on. I was a bit astonished to find out that a dream I had about the origins of love happens to actually be based on a true story. Imagine my surprise that I’d learn this from a Hebrew mystic in the book “The Mystery of Love.”

I had only read a couple of chapters last night, but it made me dream of my past. I had to keep waking up, because it kept turning into a nightmare.

I dreamed about my time in Indiana and trying to escape it and head to NYC. There were so many things that were inhibiting me from leaving the state. Even my first boyfriend as an adult entered the dream…spouting how he loved me and why couldn’t we work things out?

My emotions then were…like I care how you feel about me. Long story but trust me…he wasn’t the one (he was one of those guys that proposed a couple of times…when I saw the ring the second time…it was a definite NO…it was the ugliest ring in creation that was totally not me at all…if the ring doesn’t reflect me as a person then how can I believe that he even knew who I was).

When I woke up this morning, snug and in my bed, in the life that I was really wanting, I couldn’t help but realize that there were struggles to get there. There was a time where everywhere I turned, I just couldn’t get to NYC. Finally, the day came and I went there.

I had loves that didn’t jive with me anymore. I moved on because they were things that I didn’t need in my life.

It just reminded me of where I’ve been, where I’ve come from, and laying in my bed this morning…realizing who I’ve become.

Life is a journey. When it’s time to become the person you’ve always dreamed you would be, it takes time. There are obstacles along the way. There are times where you feel like nothing is going your way. There will be a day that you can finally break free and run like hell to your destination.

But then there will be one day where you will wake up hating your life and realize…it was just a dream about your past. That was where you came from. Now look at what you have become…you love and appreciate this life even more than you did when you closed your eyes the night before.

Sometimes you have to remember the bad, so you can appreciate the good in life.

I would like to wish everyone a happy holidays, no matter what you celebrate (or don’t celebrate). May you be blessed with goodness and happiness. May your days be peaceful as we celebrate peace on earth.

Continue to bring peace forward into the universe, be mindful of your actions. Look back on the days of this year as we travel towards the new year to learn what has changed, what was good, what was bad and what you can do to improve in the upcoming year.

Set realistic goals in the new year.

Say you’ll lose 5 pounds, instead of 20. Keep telling yourself that you want to lose just 5 pounds until you reach your goal.

Make sure to increase your knowledge in the new year. Make it part of your resolution. Resolve to read 50 pages a day (or 20 pages), or go to a museum you’ve always wanted to go to…or see an exhibit.

Resolve to take up a hobby that always interested you.

Resolve to love with all of your heart, each and every person…and never expect anything in return.

Do something good for Mother Earth. Whether it’s just recycling, greening your cleaning, planting a tree, or growing a garden…do something good for the planet, and you’ll feel good about what you’ve done.

GIVE to charity. If you can’t donate money, donate your time, donate your unused items (cars, clothes, books, etc.).

Take care of your health. You can’t live the life you want to live if you don’t have your health.

Take care of your money. If there’s anything the world should have learned in this past couple of years is how to survive with little to no money. Take this time to re-evaluate your finances. Learn how to live frugally and save money…but at the same time contributing. When you take care of your money, it takes care of YOU.

Be soulful. Now is the time to nurture your soul. Learn how you can in whichever direction God leads you. You’ll be more happier when you do. The greatest mistake man has ever done was forget he was a soul. Nurture your soul and you will be complete.

Ok…I never really talk about this kind of stuff because it’s a sore subject.

Back in 1994, two weeks before my high school graduation, I was out camping with the guys, sitting around a campfire, sharing what would be some of my last high school memories with my guy friends.

Yeah, I was the only girl camped out around the fire with a bunch of guys. My boyfriend wasn’t there. He was at home. These were just a bunch of guy friends that surrounded me during most of my high school career (and caused many young girls to be extremely jealous of me). I wasn’t one of the guys…I was just the girl they worshipped.

But over the years, they had become really great friends.

While we were camped out by the fire, the name of the guy that I’d been in love with since I was a freshman screamed in my head. It went away just as fast as it had entered into my head.

The next morning, we were all playing basketball and football out in the rain. We came in from the rain after a few hours. While I was sitting on the couch next to my best friend, the phone rang.

Mike went to answer the phone. While he was on the phone, he kept looking up at me with sad eyes. After a few minutes he said, “Ok, I’ll tell her.” He then hung up the phone.

He walked towards me slowly and in his young 17 years gave me the hardest message he had ever had to deliver in his lifetime.

“Kevin died last night. They say it’s suicide.”

All eyes in the room moved towards me.

“Are you alright?” my best friend asked after a few minutes.

“I’m fine,” I replied.

“Are you sure? Because you’re shaking all over.”

“I’m just cold.”

Over the next three days, no one would let me out of their sight.

Friends that I hadn’t seen in months came back home to make sure I was okay.

Why? Because when you meet someone that’s your soulmate and someone that you know you’re going to love for the rest of your life…everyone around you can sense it. They feel that love and how magical it is.

Losing a soulmate to suicide is not the easiest thing in the world to deal with. It takes a very long time to get over.

When I went to his parents’ house after the funeral, his mother was in the middle of talking to friends that had come over to express their condolences. When she saw me walk in, she stopped mid-sentence, walked over to me and hugged me.

She said to me with tears in her eyes, “You have no idea how much he loved you.”

She was right about that. I didn’t know.

It took me 7 years before I could ask why he killed himself. My friends had all made a pact not to tell me until I was ready. They couldn’t believe that I waited 7 years to ask.

Finding out about the demons in his home (abusive father) and how this was his only way out since I was leaving to go off to college in Washington, DC in the fall…you kind of have to sit there and say…YOU BASTARD! He could have come with me to Washington. He could have stayed with my family in the final year if he had to. We could have made things work.

Instead, he made the decision to end his life.

This wasn’t something that he decided to do abruptly. He had put a lot of thought into it. He even said goodbye to me a couple of months before when he came home to visit during spring break [he went to school at an Academy 3 hours away]. I just didn’t know that he was telling me goodbye forever.

He had written everything he needed to say to me in a notebook before he died. It went to the police as evidence, and then it was handed over to his family. I never got to see the notebook. My friends couldn’t persuade the family to give it to me.

Whether they were protecting me or themselves, I don’t know. But I think it would have helped me to heal over the years if I knew what he needed to say to me.

I have always felt that a part of my soul left that night by the campfire. My mind screamed his name because a part of my soul was being ripped from me at the exact same moment his heart stopped from the bullet he fired into it.

It’s been over 15 years since I lost Kevin.

There are moments when I feel his spirit pass by me and I begin to miss him. It also doesn’t help that a song starts playing seconds later that makes me want to cry.

Today, as I was walking through Port Authority, I felt his presence again. And Leona Lewis’ “Bleeding Love” started ringing through my earphones.

Closed off from love
I didn’t need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you’re frozen

But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melts into the ground
Found something true
And everyone’s looking round
Thinking I’m going crazy

But I don’t care what they say
I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

Trying hard not to hear
But they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears
Try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal
Is to keep me from falling

But nothing’s greater than the risk that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness
I see your face
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I’m going crazy, maybe, maybe

But I don’t care what they say
I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

And it’s draining all of me
Oh they find it hard to believe
I’ll be wearing these scars
For everyone to see

I don’t care what they say
I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding

As I was listening to the song, I had to fight back the tears walking out onto 9th Avenue. All I kept thinking in my mind was how much I missed him.

There are times that I do wonder what life would have been like if he had not shot himself. I wonder if he and I would have ended up getting married after college, had a family of our own.

But as much as I look at a life that I had lost, I also think about the life that became. I think about the path that was created without him. I think about why things happen…and if there really is something behind it all.

Would I have become a writer? Would I even have anything to do with the NHL? Would I have become an artist/photographer? Would I have become a humanitarian?

Would that life even exist if love had lived? I don’t think it would have.

The things that have made me the person that I am now…all of those things would not have existed. But I do believe that I would have been happier if love had survived.

But as fate would have it…he died, love died, and I survived. I became the lotus blooming in the mud. Fate created something better and greater. It created a dream world that has become my reality. I see the world differently. I only see the lotus blooming, not the mud from which it grows. That’s because life is more than just wonderful…it’s magical.

But you can’t help but miss a love that gets abruptly left behind. Your soul grows stronger as the years progress. It heals no matter how much your heart bleeds for the one you lost forever.

Alright, I hate posting up pics of myself because I know some of you guys tend to visit them too often…I don’t want to know…don’t want to know…

But my friend had taken way too many photos of me in Greece, so I decided to put my print on it and turn a bunch into artwork. Enjoy!

People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel.

That quote was sent to me randomly the day after I did my blog piece on my hockey passion waning. If I could describe what exactly was going on in my head, my heart and my soul…that was it.

Yesterday, the word “passion” kept showing up left and right throughout my day. Why? Because it was the word that describes me right now…as far as, “Where is my passion for the game?”

News finally broke yesterday that Michael Nylander has officially sailed the ocean blue and packed his snow gear for Russia. Only one legend now remains.

But I will say this for last night’s Devils vs. Ducks game…the commemoration of the 2003 Stanley Cup Championship couldn’t have come at a better time. I couldn’t help but get goosebumps just watching the highlights from the Devils quest for the Stanley Cup in 2003.

It made me think that a Cup just might be what it really takes to ignite that passion once again. Perhaps I’m still feeling the remainders of that shocking disappointment from last season’s playoffs…we’re talking about the last 80 seconds of ice time for the Devils last season.

Just a reality you want to forget permanently.

This is the moment where I ask if I believe this team will win the Cup. I usually never say anything about the Cup due to superstitions, but if the team I saw on the ice last night is the complete or close to the complete team that Lemaire has envisioned…then I’m ready for this team to take it all.

If there was an injured player on that team…you wouldn’t have known based on how they have adapted without key players. That’s the super-team I expected to see from Lemaire. That’s the team I see on the ice now.

Here’s The Write-Up From Wednesday Night’s Win Over the Ducks

I have always said that I’d take a team that would lose in the beginning just so they can fix what’s wrong and create a new team for a new season rather than a team that seems to have it together at the start and then fall apart halfway through the season…struggling to win so they can make it into the playoffs. [Funny how I think of the Rangers as I write that.]

Now, to finish off this whole ‘passion’ hockey thing for the moment…

This morning, Carrie Underwood’s song, “Whenever You Remember” was blaring through my headphones. I want every hockey player out there to think of this song as the song fans would like you to think of when you remember your NHL career:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bmKqc67m-ik]

When you look back on times we had
I hope you smile
And know that through the good and through the bad
I was on your side when nobody could hold us down
We claimed the brightest star
And we, we came so far
And no they won’t forget

Whenever you remember times gone by
Remember how we held our heads so high
When all this world was there for us
And we believe that we could touch the sky
Whenever you remember, I’ll be there
Remember how we reached that dream together
Whenever you remember

When you think back on all we’ve done
I hope you’re proud
When you look back and see how far we’ve come
It was our time to shine
And nobody could hold us down
They thought they’d see us fall
But we, we stood so tall
And no we won’t forget

Whenever you remember times gone by
Remember how we held our heads so high
When all this world was there for us
And we believe that we could touch the sky
Whenever you remember, I’ll be there
Remember how we reached that dream together
Whenever you remember

We claimed the brightest star
And we, we came so far
And know that we showed them all
And no they won’t forget

Whenever you remember times gone by
Remember how we held our heads so high
When all this world was there for us
And we believe that we could touch the sky
Whenever you remember, I’ll be there
Remember how we reached that dream together
Whenever you remember

Whenever you remember

I spent most of this weekend glued to my couch watching the entire fourth season of “Supernatural.” I didn’t tweet. I didn’t watch hockey. I stayed glued to my flat screen LCD watching 22 hours of the impending apocalypse…only to be left hanging with the return of Lucifer!

What a way to spend the weekend, right? It only means that winter is quickly approaching (despite today’s indian summer) and I’m starting to hibernate and nest indoors.

But then I got this feeling…I’ve had it before…that feeling that I should spend more time at home…like take a 6 months sabbatical. But the thing is I swore to myself that I would not take another 6 months off until the first book was completed.

Is it near completion? I would say that I’m 3/4 of the way finished with the book.

But before all of that begins…there’s a now.

Friday night was Devils hockey night.

Patty’s Back

Devils are doing well with a 5-game win streak (both at home and on the road).

Adam Mair (Buffalo Sabres) hit waivers and truthfully, I think he would be a great addition to the NJD.

Now, I’m done talking hockey. You can read more at InsideHockey.com.

If you’re noticing that I don’t talk about hockey as much as I used to on this blog, it’s because of the new rules. So for all in-depth hockey related talk from me…you’ll have to go to InsideHockey.com.

Tonight, “The Eye” will be gracing the LCD screen.

Next weekend, there will be a Hitchcock festival in my living room and I’ve only invited the cat to watch with me. 😉

I’ve been bothered a lot about some stupid dramatic, childish stuff happening to a friend of mine. As someone older, it’s hard to see a friend going through this bullshit, especially a colleague in this business that’s trying to be herself and make it in a male dominated industry.

I said a little prayer for them last night before I meditated and when I meditated, this is what I saw.

God was sitting on top of a mountain. I went and sat by his side.

We were looking down the edge of the mountain. There were people trying to climb to the top of the mountain. He said that we never want to see these people get hurt, so we will try and reach down to grab them and protect them if they were to start to fall.

We want to see every single one of them succeed and make it to the summit. We can’t help but want to reach down and help them, throw them a line and pull them up. But we don’t, because they chose this path and they have to make the climb on their own.

They could have taken the easier path up, but they chose not to. Even if you threw them a line, they wouldn’t take it out of pride. So you have to let them make the climb on their own…only offering to save them before they hit the ground.

Now, there are climbers that set out to make it a competition or seek to do harm to other climbers that are heading in the same direction. They will try to grab them and pull them down.

For those at the top of the mountain, all we want to do is get in between the middle of them and tell the vicious one to step off and go their own way before you push them off the cliff yourself, because it’s one less evil person in the world. But to do that, you would be no less of an evil person than them. So you play the role of parent trying to pry the two apart and tell them to play nice!

People like this don’t realize that when you attempt to pull someone down, you risk falling off of the cliff yourself. God’s more apt to save the victim of the attack from falling before he will reach out his hand to save the evil one. [So if the evil one hits the ground, tough luck.]

When this happens, it becomes a battle for survival even though your chances of surviving are actually greater when you work together as a team to reach the summit. [Something called brotherly love comes to mind.]

The other thing is that throughout life, we are taught that we have to work our way from the bottom to make it to the top. We learn life’s lessons along the way so that we can become better leaders when we make it to the top.

Not too many people can make it to the summit. They give up or fail long before they make it to the top. That’s what separates the ‘outliers’ from everybody else.

Although, there are some people that are different. They go straight to the top. Those are the ones that want to help each and every one make it to the top. But at the same time, they understand for each climber, it is their own journey. We cannot interfere. They have to make it on their own.

When you are on your path in life, you can see the mountain, but you can be right on the ground and be at the top of the mountain at the same time. You don’t have to climb the mountain to reach the summit. All you have to do is close your eyes, and you’re there.

This is a concept that’s very hard for people to understand. Paths in life aren’t always handed out so easily. It takes time to figure it out. Some people need to climb a mountain, just to feel like they’re worthy of their path. Others, don’t have to climb a mountain.

Being at the top of the mountain means you understand fully what it takes to get to that position, as well as what it takes to stay in that position without being knocked down by an avalanche.

There is a shortcut to all of this. The shortcut is wisdom…and love. Don’t think love has anything to do with it? Trust me, it does. It takes wisdom and understanding to know that love is everything.

When you are at the summit, you understand that the dramas of the world are not part of the climb…at least, it doesn’t have to be that way. You also understand that humanity and lending a helping hand (AKA LOVE) is one of the most important virtues of remaining at the top.

People always tell me that they are clueless as to what I’m talking about when I say these things. It usually hits them months later when they are in a similar situation and they exclaim, “Oh, that’s what she was talking about!”

So I don’t expect everyone to understand what I’m talking about right now, but just think on it. It’ll make sense one day.

Here are some song lyrics that come to mind today…

“So Small” by Carrie Underwood

‘Cause sometimes that mountain you’ve been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you’ve been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands

And when you figure out
Love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small

Now, as a little inspiration for my friend, here are some lyrics that should make you laugh with regards to your haters. 🙂

“Never Wanna See You Again” Rich Hardesty

You’re all upset about nothing
Never want to hurt you, never want to make you cry
Just keep the bullshit to yourself…

Whatever happened to me and you
It’s on page 672, that’s the end of the book
So fuck you

‘Cause I never wanna fuckin’ see you again
Well you’ve always been a bitch since I can remember when
And you irritate my brain and you’re driving me insane
No, I never wanna fuckin’ see your ugly-ass again
Tell me, why do you have to be such a bitch
You wicked witch, fuckin’ bitch

And another classic gem from Rich Hardesty (I can’t remember the name of the song, but I’ve heard him play it enough times…and that music video from Jamaica is playing in my head):

If You Don’t Got Nothing Nice To Say
Don’t Say Nothing At All

As you can see, everybody has haters. Those that are successful press on even when others try to pull them down. Those haters are insignificant. You can either make them a part of your career or refuse to acknowledge them.

So the hockey world that knows both me and Katrina Cady (aka Psycho Puck Lady) have been biting their nails like crazy thinking…OMG…what in the world are those two girls talking about??? All I can say is…be afraid, be very afraid. 😉

I won’t divulge on our hockey girl talk. It’s private. There are teams that should be scared when two hockey writers that will push the card (one to the edge, one over the edge) are meeting up in New York City to talk and talk and talk for hours.

Today’s post at Psycho Lady Hockey (see link on the right) was one of our many topics last night. Her story reminded me a bit of what I went through years ago with someone attempting to cyberbully me…let’s just say things changed dramatically when I put a stop to it.

What’s funny is that someone emailed me last week after I announced I was going on tour with Mats Sundin and they commented on how strange it was that just 3 years ago that crap was happening to me and then now…it’s just unbelievable.

Based on my experience with being a victim of cyberbullies, they never know that they’re doing it. They feel as if they are justified in doing what they’re doing.

I was very disappointed to learn that a campaign was launched against Katrina last week.

I don’t want to get into the middle of all of this, but I just want to say that before you launch negative campaigns, put yourself in the other person’s shoes. How would you feel if you knew someone was doing that to you? It’s not a good feeling. Remember, KARMA is real and it will bite you in the ass tenfold for every wrong act you commit. It’s just a universal fact of life.

It was very heartbreaking to know that people were targeting Katrina. It’s not right. But what Kat had to say in her blog today, it was more than appropriate.

Now, in other news…I have to share this because I was so excited to hear this…

I had to run to the eye doctor last night on an emergency basis before meeting up with Kat. While I sat there going over my lengthy medical history and what 2 eye docs found last year (that the cornea in my left eye was completely gone…I’ve been wearing a special lens meant to supplement the lost cornea), the new eye doc looked at my eye and announced that it was the strangest thing.

The cornea had grown back.

The other two doctors had spoken about a cornea replacement which would require surgery. I had put it off because I wanted to get the easier surgery out of the way (which ended up not being so easy and a lot of complications followed which delayed my heading in for another surgery). I planned to get the cornea replacement during the off-season (this past summer).

Well, for the past few months, I have not been able to see out of my left eye very well…apparently it’s because the cornea grew back and the special lens was no longer needed.

Not only did my cornea grow back, but my vision improved.

It is rare that the cornea will grow back, but it does happen. So I am very happy that I no longer have to have surgery on my eye! It was so bad last year that I almost thought I was going to have to quit hockey because the ice blinded me at times.

Trust me…this is the first positive health news I’ve had in a year!

As for hockey…Devils faceoff against the Sabres tonight. This will be my first hockey game since I’ve been back home.

While most people are sleeping in NYC (or just getting to bed), I’m awaking to a new day at 3:30AM, trying to find something constructive to do with my time before I have to head into the office. I decided that since my body will be thrust between European time zones and NYC’s time zone, it’s best to just come up with a medium time…and that time is 3:30AM.

So this morning while I was going through the photos that required some modeling of my Valentino eyewear for ideeli.com, I was listening to the radio and a topic came up that I have sworn to my girlfriends time and time again was true.

It dealt with women and sports.

Now, for most women, they think that a woman who knows or likes sports is an ideal woman for any man who loves sports.

AU CONTRAIRE!

The male radio host piped in and said that men are in fact intimidated by women who love sports.

Men that I’ve met over the past couple of years love the notion that I’m a writer. Downer to the conversation if they’re trying to pick me up…what I write about.

When they find out that I’m a hockey columnist, the interest plummets faster than a speeding bullet. Now, if you a) work in hockey or b) play hockey…that’s actually a turn on…a woman that knows and understands the sport like you do.

But for all those other men out there…serious downside to picking up a woman is finding out that she writes about a sport that you may or may not love and understands it better than you do. They feel intimidated by her.

It’s almost like it attacks their masculinity that a woman has a better grasp on a sport than they do! It makes them feel inferior.

Now, if I hang out long enough in the NHL store or the NHL Starbucks, I’ll get picked up. No joke.

If I go to a sports bar…no way in hell a man will pick me up…unless I leave out that I write about hockey. Granted, I would have to make my girlfriends swear up and down to not mention anything about hockey.

I’ve learned that even though my life is surrounded by hockey, in the real world…I can’t talk hockey without scaring people off. Even my friends change the subject when a fan comes up and wants to talk about my career with me. The girls don’t like the subject of hockey. It’s a banned subject wherever we go.

Really, you can’t blame them. Talking sports chases the real men away and they’re trying to lure them in.

So for the ladies into sports…remember, if you know your sports, leave that conversation for after the third month. 😉

[Guys…feel free to chime in here or on Twitter (@MichelleKenneth). So far the intimidation factor has proven correct.]