The More I Go Through Life…

There is something you are taught in Raj Yoga…the importance of detachment and not seeking any form of attachment to anything in this universe. That includes detachment from other human beings.

It’s a concept that is probably the most difficult for parents when it comes to their children, but in the long run, you see the benefits. I’m not talking about loving your children any less…I’m talking about detaching your need for them and learning to love them where you don’t need them (as a possession) in order to love them.

This falls under the category that my friend would call…Michelle’s on a higher plane and I’m clueless as to what she’s talking about. He usually figures it out about 3-6 months later (mind you, he’s 20 years older than me, but spiritually, he considers me wiser than anyone he’s ever met in his life).

This is not about hockey, so you can skip this post if you’re not interested. This post is actually meant to explain ‘who I am’ a little better to those who haven’t gotten a clue yet.

I try to take a step back and let fate take it’s course in life. Yes, I notice when someone has gone out of their way to cock block someone from coming into my picture…especially when I am told what happened and what was said that caused said person that was being cock blocked to walk away.

But I start to see a trend here. I start to see what fate is doing when I take a step back and look at the entire situation.

Fate has put a lot of blockers on. At one spectrum, I’m being stopped from moving forward with someone else. On the other spectrum, I see blockers being placed up around me saying to him…DO NOT EVEN ATTEMPT TO GO NEAR HER! If you do, you’ll regret it.

I’ve watched it happen more times than I can count, yet he still plays cock block when others try to come near me.

So where does Michelle stand in all of this?

Looking around me seeing love being blocked all around me, and I’m not the one putting up the blockers. Fate is doing that.

I’ve had to think about the Rock Star and maybe going back to him. Maybe that was why all the blockers have been falling into place. But that wasn’t it. Fate said it was the past…leave it alone.

Then there’s this guy that cock blocks anyone that attempts to come near me. Yet, he’s blocked from coming near me from every single avenue. That was the universe saying…DON’T.

I’ve had people who knew of the situation advising me to turn away from him. ‘Don’t encourage him,’ they all said. ALL OF THEM.

So I’ve listened to every side and there’s only one constant. Michelle remains alone.

Making that as a choice was something I made back on January 1. It’s taken me three months to make sure I was certain with this decision, but I am pretty certain with it now.

You see, part of my journey in “Losing 100 Pounds of Unhappiness” is discovering the things that make me unhappy. The more I go through life I realize how much men really piss me the fuck off…I’m talking about the ones that are vying for my affection. Once they get it, they misuse it. Every single one of them.

The second I fall in love, I see everything crumble within seconds.

Sure, I ask myself everyday if I made the right decision in leaving the Rock Star, knowing he moved to Los Angeles in hopes that I would stop being mad at him and show up there. I never stopped being mad at him for misusing the love he demanded from me. My little Dorian Grey.

You see, I believe I deserve something better. That, in the end, makes me think that the more I go through life, the whole ‘detachment’ card is the most important card to carry. The second you get attached to someone in love, the sooner they will twist that love and hurt you…basically breaking your heart.

I’m not saying that happens to everybody. I’m saying that happens to me.

Granted, my friends tell me not to give up on love, but I look at them and say…No. It’s not for me. It’s for you guys.

There is always the hope to love someone romantically, but as I’ve always said, I don’t believe in hopes. They’re not real. The only thing that is real is belief.

The constant has always been me. I have always said that no one (besides God) will love me more than I love myself. It’s proven true in every aspect of my life. The love of a parent is not the kind of love I’ve sought in life. They always disappointed me. The love from someone else…always a disappointment because it’s not what you need and it’s never what you wanted or hoped for.

The only love that you can count on and appreciate is the love you have for yourself.

I’m not talking about the kind of love that’s egotistical. It’s the kind of love that makes people look at you differently and think, “I want to be just like her.” It’s a different kind of love that you radiate.

In the line of raj yoga, you incorporate that love for one’s self with that of God’s love…and you let that love radiate through you so that others may see and feel God’s love. In essence, it’s all one in the same when the effort to love from yourself is from the original source (God).

So what I’m saying is…boys, give it up. I’ve made my decision and I’m not changing it. You had your chance to sway me in this matter, and you failed. The only constant has been the blockers in loving someone else. It was never meant to be. Let it go like I have.

When you realize that we don’t have all of the time in the world, you begin to look at life a little differently. We only have a set amount of time to do what we set out to do. Tomorrow is never promised…only this very moment.

You see, I have had to contemplate on the desires I have in my life. Desires are only what they are…just desires. Sometimes desires can become too attached in what society or other people expect from us.

There are others that are called upon to be greater people. They are the muses in humanity. They are the ones that are set to inspire people to be better than who they are…even if it’s reading this blog post or being in that person’s presence. These are the people that have a higher calling in life that is often misinterpreted.

If I could roll the film to show you my life, you’d be amazed at how much I have accomplished in such a short amount of time. I lived every single dream. I stopped wasting time when I realized how little time I had left. Sometimes you just know.

I don’t look at life as time being infinite. I look at life as a clock ticking downward…where time will be at 0:00:00 and thus no time remains. When it hits that time, I want to be able to say, I did what I came here to do. I am done.

In essence, that is how we should all view life.

If you love someone, tell them. Live a life with no regrets, because tomorrow may come and that person you loved will no longer be around.

Dante’s “Divine Comedy” is all about that. What hell he went through because he never told the woman he loved that he loved her. She died…and yet inspired Dante’s finest work, yet described his living hell for all eternity.

The more I go through life, the more I realize that I made my choice 10 years ago. Not just on January 1, 2010. I made this choice 10 years ago. I had hoped that somewhere, the universe would change my mind. It never did…it only re-emphasized why I made the decision 10 years ago.

I am happy right where I am standing. That’s all that matters.

“The Most Living Moment” by Rumi

The most living moment comes
when those who love each other meet each other
and in what flows between them then.

To see your face in a crowd of others,
or alone on a frightening street, I weep for that.
Our tears improve the earth.

The time you scolded me,
your gratitude, your laughing,
always your qualities increase the soul.

Seeing you is a wine that does not muddle or numb.

We sit inside the cypress shadow
where amazement and clear thought
twine their slow growth into us.

About Michelle Kenneth

Michelle Kenneth is the voice behind