Have you ever heard the song by U2, “If God Would Send His Angels”?

If God Would Send His Angels
Would Everything Be Alright?

God works in mysterious ways. You know that it’s God’s work when you are left completely awestruck. I could say that I have been completely awestruck since my grandfather passed away in 2007. The journey that I’ve been on since we laid my grandfather to rest has been beyond amazing. I have to take a step back sometimes and just realize that in this moment, this act has been touched by God.

I could also say that I am just as awestruck now about a matter that hits a little more close to my heart than my career (literally and physically).

A few years ago, when Kevin Weekes, Jed Ortmeyer and Ryan Hollweg were still New York Rangers, I met a disabled man in a wheelchair outside of the Rangers Toys for Tots event in Bryant Park. His name was Rolly. I’m sure that all three of those guys remember Rolly. The Rangers allowed Rolly into the small building after the event to meet the players. He got his picture taken with them along with a few autographs after all of the other fans had left. The Rangers were beyond amazing to him that day.

For some strange reason, God put me and Rolly together for a reason that day. I helped him get Rangers autographs of the other players that were there earlier that afternoon (which included me chasing after Weekes to ask him to sign an autograph for Rolly and have his picture taken with him…I wrote about that moment a month ago on this blogsite) and he helped me sort out the grand design that was happening in my life.

This, of course, was before I lost my grandfather to skin cancer. This was before I had a writing career. This was during the time where the end of the life that I wanted to forget about and heal from was coming to a conclusion.

It was over cups of hot chocolate that Rolly and I developed a spiritual bond. He needed that spiritual energy and inspirational aura that I tend to give off (which men are very susceptible to…something about there’s something about me that makes them want to become a better man…not a pick up line, because even gay men are susceptible to being infected by that aura). What I needed from Rolly was for someone to open my eyes and realize that God is still there for me, when I’m ready.

Rolly, to me, was an angel and I knew he was the second I started talking to him. Our meeting was just so random. I never talk to strangers, but after I dropped off the toys for the Toys for Tots, I met Rolly outside and stayed with him for the next 3 hours.

Rolly has been confined to a wheelchair for over a decade. He was hit by a car that left him paralyzed from the waist down. He told me that for the first seven years after the accident, he was mad at God. He was very angry and very bitter, but then one day he let it all go and began to have a little faith again.

Despite how crappy life can be, there’s always a way you can choose to live your life. You can be miserable or you can be happy. He chose happiness.

It was during this conversation that I started to let go of the reasons why I escaped to New York City and forgave that idiot that broke my heart. My new day was starting to begin.

Rolly and I talked maybe once a year after that…but the calls always came at just the right time.

Last fall, I felt the overwhelming need to call Rolly. Something was telling me that he needed someone. He needed help.

It was only today that I found out that I was being prompted to call him because he had hit a very severe depression and was mourning the death of his mother at that time. He had cut off the entire world in his state of mourning. I couldn’t get through to him on the phone that day, so I sat in wonder of what ever happened to Rolly.

Fast forward a year later and God is still working his magic.

While lying in the hospital due to kidney problems, his brother decided to get him a new phone and started transferring the phone numbers over. Out of the long list of numbers he had in his phone, only two numbers transferred over…mine and someone else.

When he told me this, I understood instantly that this was God’s work.
The message in this entire call was something I had seen in my own meditations over the past few weeks…something bad had been revealed, it will last for a while, but remain positive because everything is going to be okay. It’s only temporary…I’ll make it through.

Rolly called me right at the time that I am trying to tell myself to stop worrying. I have already accepted the worst of the situation, but you can’t help but worry when your body isn’t working the way you need it to. You worry that you won’t wake up.

You worry because the cat looks at you with worry in her eyes and does crazy stuff in the middle of the night to try and wake you up because your lung has stopped and you’re not waking up to realize that it has.

You can’t help it…but you worry, even though you shouldn’t.

I knew when I first had my surgery that there would be complications, but everything would be fine in the end. Those are the things I saw in my meditations. I knew that there would be a problem from the start. It would get worse, but then everything would be okay and I would be happier with the end result, but I would have to live with certain limitations. I never realized that the complication would involve an organ I did not have surgery on.

That’s where the worry lies…I didn’t have surgery on my lungs, but it failed during the surgery. I almost died on the table because I stopped breathing and they couldn’t get me to start breathing again. The attending nurse said they all thought I was going to die, but then I started breathing. It was shallow, but it was better than nothing.

Since then, I’ve had severe complications. The doctors have been treating it as a stomach related issue with a dormant asthma that awakened during the surgery. Well, the diagnosis has been wrong. The surgeon has been trying to cover up the truth of my surgery. I found out from the attending nurse ten months after the surgery because he accidentally leaked what happened after I looked at him funny when he asked me how my breathing was doing.

I went to my regular doctor with the news he had given to me and she couldn’t believe what she was hearing. I didn’t have asthma. I had a more serious issue (and she had diagnosed me with asthma). This is not her fault. It is the fault of the surgeon for not being honest with me 10 months after my surgery, fully knowing that there have been severe issues post-op. If we had known that my lungs had stopped during the surgery, my regular doctor would have diagnosed the problems differently. The focus would not have been on the stomach. It would have been on the lungs.

So that should tell all of you that there’s a potential malpractice suit forthcoming…because the cover-up is starting to look like the surgeon was at fault.

Knowing now that my lungs have stopped and are still continuing to stop and have been the true reason for all of the blackouts and fainting spells, it does scare the crap out of me.

You can see why it’s hard to keep telling myself again and again…stop worrying. Worrying helps nothing.

But Rolly’s phone call left me sitting there realizing, this is God repeating to me exactly what he’s said in all of the meditations…it will be bad at first, but it will get better and everything will be okay. Be brave, remain positive and have faith.

You see, I had my chest x-ray on Thursday. I meet with the pulmonary specialist in a few days. My last meditation came out with “Be brave. You’re going to need to be brave now.”

Those words have been repeating in my head all week long.

To hear Rolly give me the same message can only leave me with tears in my eyes and still in awe that God has gone this far to use one of his angels to repeat that message to me verbally (just in case I missed the first few times). Be brave, remain positive and have faith. [Now do you understand why only two phone numbers transferred over on his phone? There are no coincidences in life.]

Rolly is disabled and has been for many years. He has so many other ailments (and the fact that he’s calling me from the rehabilitation center), to hear him say those words to me…you can’t help but be humbled by God’s works. It reminds you that even when our bodies fail us, we still have to keep our positive outlook in life even more powerful than before. It takes a lot of strength to remain positive when you are scared to death.

Rolly’s enlightening words make me think about how I feel like a child sometimes that still needs to be taught how to become an adult. But I guess in God’s eyes, I’m still that young child that has so much to learn.
In the end, it’s our souls that live on. Our bodies are frail. They get sick. They stop working. It doesn’t live forever. It dies. It is our soul that always moves on.

Keeping the soul positive and surrounding my world with positive wishes is really the only thing I should be focused on.

He even told me to forgive someone who was not a friend when she was called to duty. He said that it’s best to know that she is that type of person (maybe she’s changed), but to give her another chance and forgive her.

It wasn’t until he said that that I realized God is too good. He’s been reading my thoughts and feelings, because over the past week I’ve been thinking about forgiving her, because I missed her. I felt like I was done being mad and that she probably could use my friendship. But at least I would go in knowing that the kind of friend I am to her will never be returned. I have to love without expecting anything in return.

For those who question God’s existence, I can only say that I have no reason to ever question God’s existence. Just read about my rookie year…if you were in my shoes, wouldn’t you be just as awestruck? I’m not talking about the people that I met along the way when I talk about being awestruck. I’m talking about the experience and being able to tell the story afterwards. I love immortalizing moments in life. Writing about hockey to me is like immortalizing a moment and telling all that want to know about it what I saw, felt, and learned.

This journey I’ve been on careerwise is beyond amazing that when I’m walking down that long hallway between the press room and the Devils locker room, I always get that awe-like feeling…the feeling that God has put me here. I didn’t choose this, God chose this journey. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

There is always a reason to everything. I understand why my body is failing. I get that. I don’t punish God for it, because he’s with me all along the way. I believe that the reason why this is all happening is for something much bigger than me. It’s to help someone I may not have even met yet. It’s for the moment when someone needs to hear God speaking that he’ll use my experiences and my words to tell that person to be brave, remain positive and have faith.

Sorry…no hockey today. Been a little busy with Depesha today and helping out. Will be back tomorrow (hopefully) to discuss hockey.

And for those who saw the earlier post…Fashion Week…Russian Models…Open Bar…Gift Bags…this is the party to go to during Fashion Week’s Opening Night.

You can follow Depesha on Twitter. Just look for Depesha.

Oh, and if you haven’t figured out yet…the other side of Michelle Kenneth involves the fashion world…and Russians. I still haven’t figured that last part out yet…but will one day.

Just recently I came across Oprah’s Top 20 Things she knows for sure from October 2008. I had stuck the clipping in a journal with clothes I wanted to use to create a new image.

It’s interesting how things come back to you at the right moment in life. It’s like you’re tucking that little piece away until you need it. Well, I needed it in that very moment and included it in the Book Project because it made me reflect on the things that I do know for sure about life and how it will bring happiness when you know these basic principles.

Maybe you’ll find these to be just as inspirational as I did. My comments are in brackets.

1. What you put out comes back all the time, no matter what. [This is called karma. If you put good out into the universe, it comes right back to you. The same can be said for evil.]

2. You define your own life. Don’t let other people write your script.

3. Whatever someone did to you in the past has no power over the present. Only you give it power.

4. When people show you who they are, believe them the first time. (A lesson from Maya Angelou.)

5. Worrying is wasted time. Use the same energy for doing something about whatever worries you.

6. What you believe has more power than what you dream or wish or hope for. You become what you believe.

7. If the only prayer you ever say is thank you, that will be enough. (From the German theologian and humanist Meister Eckhart.)

8. The happiness you feel is in direct proportion to the love you give.

9. Failure is a signpost to turn you in another direction.

10. If you make a choice that goes against what everyone else thinks, the world will not fall apart.

11. Trust your instincts. Intuition doesn’t lie.

12. Love yourself and then learn to extend that love to others in every encounter.

13. Let passion drive your profession.

14. Find a way to get paid for doing what you love. Then every paycheck will be a bonus.

15. Love doesn’t hurt. It feels really good.

16. Every day brings a chance to start over.

17. Being a mother is the hardest job on earth. Women everywhere must declare it so.

18. Doubt means don’t. Don’t move. Don’t answer. Don’t rush forward.

19. When you don’t know what to do, get still. The answer will come.

20. “Trouble don’t last always.” (A line from a Negro spiritual, which calls to mind another favorite: This, too, shall pass.)

As the invitations come in, I have been having a difficult time deciding what I’m doing during Fashion Week this year. In years prior, I’ve been on the outside looking at all of the cool people (Kid Rock comes to mind) walking into the big white tent in Bryant Park each Fashion Week season asking myself “When am I going to be one of those cool people?”

Well, I’m one of those types that ends up trying not to photograph supermodels backstage having a cigarette about to lose it to whoever they’re talking to on their cell phones. There are days like that I want to take that photo, publish it and say…this is the ugly side of beauty.

Really…do you want to be that girl having a cigarette out back, freaking out about this, that and the other and being the nastiest bitch that ever walked the planet? And most of all do you want to be that person that is really, really, really hungry looking at people like they could be her next lunch.

If only supermodels could have the Lap-Band…

Last year, I kind of fell into the fashion world…the Russian fashion world that is. Don’t ask me how…it just happened. Between Depesha magazine’s launch and their fashion parties since their launch, I found myself joining up on various Russian causes in NYC like the Russian Children’s Welfare Society RCWS.ORG.

You can blame the movie “The Italian” for my desire to help children in Russia. That movie had me tearing up and crying all throughout thinking, ‘What can I do to help those little Russian orphans?’ So, naturally, RCWS came to me by way of Depesha magazine.

Btw, Depesha and RCWS…RUSSIAN in case you haven’t figured it out.

So it’s no surprise that RCWS would be hosting their own charity fashion show during fashion week…and I’m going.

Throw in Anna Wintour’s brain child, Fashion Night Out, and my list of things to do during Fashion Week has grown considerably long.

The list for FNO has grown steadily. I keep looking at all of the parties and wondering which one to go to. I finally decided on one event…Saks Fifth Avenue, because the guy who makes my $23/bottle shampoo, hair conditioner and other hair products will be there. I’m still trying to decide if I’m going to let him be my new hair stylist. I guess it would be good to meet the guy and decide if $750 a visit is worth my money. Will he love my hair more than I love it?

But thanks to Fekkai and his staff, he’s made these long locks luxurious by way of his hair products. Who knew that luxury hair could come in a bottle?

Fashion Week will be a very busy week for me. I don’t even have to buy a dress because there have been some dresses in waiting for some time now. I just have to finalize the party list.

So nice of Fashion Week to show up right before Training Camp. 🙂

So it can be a little exciting when you realize your body is changing (or shrinking for that matter). I realized that over the weekend I was making some serious strides in my book project.

I had put on a Karl Lagerfeld sweater that I bought a few months ago (size Medium) and it fit perfectly (with a little room to boot). I mention Lagerfeld because he just so happened to say a few years ago that he does not design clothing for fat people, only skinny people.

So imagine my surprise that I wasn’t in a size Large Lagerfeld. I was in a Medium. 🙂 That’s about as happy as I’ve been since I was in Neiman Marcus trying on a smaller size in Burberry just last month while I was in Las Vegas.

Ok, so I love designer clothing. I was just mentioning to someone this morning that I used to spend $1000 a month in food (it’s what happens when you eat out all of the time). Now, my eating out budget is around $50/month. So that frees up a lot of my hard earned dollars so that I can start to buy a few items that once upon a time was so far out of my budget that I laughed at the thought of a $1500 purse.

It’s amazing that a huge change in my lifestyle could actually make me sit back and think about how I couldn’t afford the little luxuries in life to now all of a sudden realizing that I can afford those things today. It’s the little things that can make you happy sometimes.

As I go through my journey for my book project (and myself) I am really starting to realize how a simple thing like a designer Valentino dress could really depress me. Karl Lagerfeld saying that he doesn’t design clothing for fat people…actually fat people repulsed him…

For a person who loves fashion, it is really difficult to be outside of the range of sizes that designers cater to. It can really make you unhappy with yourself and your life.

When I was fresh out of college, I used to work for a political magazine editor/consultant. I was surrounded by so much luxury that it really sucked that I couldn’t afford those things back then on a measley little salary. Throw in the fact that I couldn’t fit into their biggest size and you can say that could put any fashionista into severe depression.

Ten years later, new city, new job, new lifestyle…and an opportunity to be able to FINALLY wear the clothes and designers I always dreamed of wearing…and you can say I’m one happy chica in NYC.

So I’m sharing a few of the happier more artistic photos from this summer…and P.S. still nowhere close to the goal weight…but losing the inches and getting closer each day to possibly being cleared to workout again (which I pray happens next week so I can start getting into bikini shape for Greece in October)!

At any rate, this is an important part of the Book Project as we see one little bit of unhappiness drop to the wayside along this long road I’m traveling on.

“It’s not that some people have will power and some don’t. It’s that some people are ready to change and others are not.” ~ James Gordon

Something I was considering doing alongside the Book Project was creating a cookbook featuring various recipes that have gotten me through this horrendous time. The purpose of this cookbook is basically a re-education on what a lap-band wearer can eat, especially when it comes to portion sizing.

I’ve been inventing recipes for some time. My mother tried to educate me for years on how to make her Thai dishes, but I never could duplicate any of her dishes.

When I was vegan, I could turn every single one of her recipes into a vegan Thai delicacy. It was the vegan version of all of her dishes to perfection (and better than what she could make). She could never duplicate my vegan Thai recipes.

That’s when she said to me that the true way to know if you are a good cook is when you know you can duplicate recipes the exact same way as the books. But to prove that you are an amazing chef, you have to be able to take a regular recipe, improve upon it, and make it taste better than the original recipe…that’s what sets you apart from the good cooks, because you can invent a new recipe.

My mother is an excellent chef, but to this day, she has never been able to duplicate any of my vegan Thai recipes…no matter how many times she watches me do it. Actually, she can’t duplicate any of my non-meat dishes (not even the sweet potato home fries – baked version or fried version).

For lap-band wearers, we are lucky to get one meal down a day. But the way I look at food is different than I did before. If I’m going to eat anything, it better taste so damn great, it was worth every morsel. Why waste one meal on crappy flavored food?

Since lap-band wearers have a lot of difficulties getting simple foods like apples, carrots, cucumbers, etc. down, I’ve been reinventing a lot of recipes to sneak a lot of those healthy foods back into the diet, because for most lap-band wearers junk food is easier to get down, so they will eat more of it (instead of nutritious foods).

I’m not a big fan of junk food…after all, I was vegan for a while. I had to be if I was going to fight cancer.

I love nutritious foods, but I don’t like that it’s difficult to eat a banana, apple or a carrot these days (trust me, I was miserable when I started vomiting up carrots…brought back awful childhood memories). So I’ve revamped a lot of recipes that I know lap-band wearers can get down that are nutritious and flavorful.

I do mean…FLAVOR…as in, if I’m going to be able to get one meal down a day, it better taste amazing (because our tastebuds change after getting the band).

Here’s the link to the new page: In the Kitchen with Michelle

I’ll be sharing a few new inventions just for lap-band wearers. And for those who are dieting…you may enjoy some of these recipes, but if you want to lose weight…stick to the portion sizes that we’re used to (it’s easier said then done).

I was recently looking through “The Biggest Loser Cookbook” and I told my co-worker, “Well, I could eat that, but without the bread here, here and here…I could eat half of the stack of pancakes they say I should be able to eat, etc.” Portion sizing for lap-band wearers are 1/2 that of regular dieters (1/2 of what a Biggest Losers can eat…if we could eat half of that crap), so you’re going to be super hungry if you try these recipes without a device to control your portion sizing. I call mine “Will Power.”