Boxed Up Dreams

If you follow me on Twitter, you may have noticed some odd tweets to the Universe.  As in the…”Dear Universe…you’re messing with me.  Stop.”

This morning, I relayed onto my friend all of the events that occurred yesterday and she just looked at me like…”Whoa, that is really deep.” 

So I’m going to share with everyone today the things that I only discuss with my girlfriends.  That stuff that…I don’t know…guys always wonder what we’re discussing when we are on a roadie that never quite makes it into our blogs…

Yesterday started off like any other day.  Blog post talking about the past led to other items from the past being brought up in the universal way of my world.  In particular, two people were brought up yesterday in the universe’s weird f*cking way.  [No, not a happy post today, but something that winds up in the book.]

The first one came as a bit of sad news.  This news, of course, I can’t share.  But I was on a mission yesterday to find an old photograph of the Rockstar. 

I purged a lot of the memories about a year or two ago.  Which meant that this particular picture MIGHT HAVE made the trash bin.  But rest assured, maybe I had another copy in one of the Indiana boxes I never opened when I moved to NYC.

I dug through box after box sitting in my closet.  It was the one box that was the only closed up box sitting in my closet that took me by surprise.  This is the box I never opened once when I moved to NYC.  I had never seen the box before.  I had no idea I even had the box.

The box was labeled “BOOKS.”  I normally don’t keep books boxed up, so I opened it up…only to find a world I had left behind.

Before I go further, I think I need to throw in some foreshadowing…

I had my Tarot Cards read the night before.  The question surrounded the whole ‘marriage’ card and what the f*ck was going on.  The deck revealed to me that marriage was in my cards.  Certain things were now coming into play, but there was one card at the top of the deck that was influencing the entire situation.  His card was upside down (which meant that if I were to make a change at that point, the entire reading would change). 

So all happy, happy, joy, joy according to that deck…but, that one card at the top really bothered me.  Why was this card influencing everything? 

I had Katrina do a reading for me, not telling her exactly what I was looking for.  She came back with the same reading similar to the one she gave me on the road trip.

It said that I don’t believe in fate.  Because of that, I have ‘boxed’ it up and left it in dreamland…ergo, because I don’t believe in fate, a different path was laid out for me.

Now, what person that believes in fate would think that a bunch of cards telling them they don’t believe in fate was right?

She read that same reading on three separate occasions. 

Oh, little did I know…

In that box, I found a dream thrown away.  There were thousands and thousands of pages of music in that box…demo tapes…music compositions…newspaper articles about my success…a proclamation from the Indiana Senate with my name on it…my first published article…my world in Indiana…and one envelope (with nothing in it) that came from the Rockstar.  It was the first envelope he ever sent to me.

I had boxed up a dream.  The only reason why I had even opened it up again…was because of HIM.  The only reason why I had even boxed it up to begin with…was because of HIM.

I know there are a few people that are very religious to this blog, so you’ll know that last summer I called him out for not telling me the truth about the situation.  You can’t lie to me.  My friends will always tell you…you can’t lie to Michelle, because she’ll see the truth immediately after you’re done telling the lie.

That’s another thing, Katrina’s reading yesterday said that I suspected that he was not being truthful and hiding something from me.  Yep…it’s the Rockstar that keeps coming up in her readings.

The fear of losing my career comes up in that reading.  Yes, I would lose hockey, hockey writing, NYC, if I chose fate.  I’d lose wealth.  I’d lose everything about my career for fate.  That’s why I never make the decision to side with fate. 

This box held so much of my sorrow.  It showed a world I walked away from…a dream I boxed up and put away, all because someone completely shattered me inside.  FATE shattered me.

When I moved to NYC, I stopped writing music.  I wouldn’t pick up any of my guitars.  I ended up giving them all away.  When someone hands me a guitar now, I have literally blocked out how to play it. 

When bands sought me out in NYC and asked me to represent them, I told them I had nothing to do with music anymore. 

It took me a long time before I’d even listen to music again. 

I shut that world out.  That passion and love for music died.

Apparently, I boxed it all up and forgot about it.

I didn’t know that box was in the closet…that box that held a dream…a dream that said I was going to be someone great someday…standing on a stage, singing my songs, and gifting the world with my voice and using it to change the world.  That was the dream.


How funny that the first envelope with his address on it made it into that box.  He sent it after that first conversation with me when he tried to convince me he was famous, when I told him I didn’t believe him.  He sent every press clipping he could find and sent it to me.  He sent me every single CD and music video.  He was the one that opened the door to the music world for me.

He showed me the business side of music.  He opened that door for me in that one envelope…and many years later it is in that box of a dream that was forgotten.

He opened the door, and I eventually ended up walking away from it all.

It’s been six years since his friend said to me, “You were the one, but you walked away.” 

There has always been that part of me that asks if I regret leaving.  But then I think…if I hadn’t, would my life have been so great?  Would it have been so magical?  Would I have had this amazing journey?

Do you choose fate in the end, even though you know how it shattered you completely inside?  That has been the question of my life.

I hate that our lives still mirror each other.  I hate when the universe forces me to talk to him.  I hate when the universe forces me to acknowledge that he still exists.  But it does.

Last summer was his last opportunity to tell me the truth before I moved on.  He chose to lie to me, so I closed the door completely on that hope that he really was fate.  I decided that maybe his lie is not really a lie.  Maybe I was just fooling myself…he’s not fate.  He was just a dream.

The cards keep saying it really was fate.

A lot of my readers know that the Rockstar broke my heart…shattered it, actually.  He’s the reason why I left and moved to NYC.  I needed to escape him and be somewhere where he couldn’t find me.  I needed to get lost in a sea of 8 million people and try to put the pieces back together.

When you see God winking back at you (and you know he sees it too), it’s hard to believe in fate when it leaves you completely shattered.  You see it as he is the one rejecting it, because he told you he wanted to love someone else.  You think that maybe you’re a fool.  Maybe you’re the one living in dreamland.  Maybe it was never real.  You think you’re the one that’s crazy…maybe you’re the one that was seeing things that wasn’t really there.   Maybe this wasn’t fate.

But it’s hard not to see after all of these years that the paths still mirror each other.  Don’t all of those stories about fate show that the two souls’ paths are mirrored?  So how is it not fate?

I would have never opened that damn box up if he wasn’t searching for a photograph that he had once given to me.  Now, I’m just in a state of confusion. 

To put the icing on the cake, I even received a letter from my mother (who is also in Indiana) asking when I’m going to stop being mad at her.  She went on and on in the letter about my childhood and how she regretted not loving me more when I was a kid.  “You were so brave,” she kept repeating over and over in the letter.

I just kept thinking…you stupid woman.  My childhood has nothing to do with the predicament you find yourself in right now.  Her crimes against me happened when I was an adult, not when I was a child. 

Of course, when I relayed on to my friend this morning that I received a letter from Indiana…the lesser of the two evils was from the Rockstar.  Then when I said, “Nope.  Not from him.”  The look on her face just filled with horror, “Don’t tell me it was from your mother.”

Oh, universe…you were so messing with me yesterday…

I got hit with a double Hoosier whammy all in one day.

She asked me to come to her 60th birthday party.  She asked for forgiveness (which victims don’t usually ask for, right?  I guess that means she stopped acting like the victim and realized I WAS the victim here) and asked for things to go back to the way they used to be and forget the bad.

Oh dear…if she wants her 60th to be the birthday she wished she shot herself in…that is the birthday I would attend. 

I told my friend today, for someone that truly wanted my forgiveness…especially in her case…she would have to go up to every single person she made hate me (because of the lies she told about me) and tell them that she lied.  None of the things she said were true.  She would have to tell every single family member that called me and told me I was written off because I was so evil (based on what my mother told them)…that she had lied to them. 

Do you know how many phone calls I’ve received in the past 5 years telling me I was written off because I was so evil?  I usually sat there just dumbfounded at the things they were telling me that I had apparently done.  Either I have no memory of doing it…OR it never happened.  I couldn’t even get a word in edgewise.  They were so determined I had done it because my mother said I had done it. 

If she wanted forgiveness…she would go to every single one of my friends she spoke to, every family member, and every single one of her friends and tell them that she lied about me.  It’s her mess and her sin against me.  She has to clean it up and take responsibility for her transgressions against me.  Only then can I forgive that monster.

The worst thing a mother (that you called a best friend) can do to you is get the entire world to hate you.  It’s one thing if I did the things she claimed I did…it’s quite another if I never did them.

My friends who heard her tale, they never bring my mother up to me.  They always look at me with sorrow and say that what she did was a horrible thing.  It’s very different when it was your mother…even worse when she was your best friend.  They saw through her lies.  They knew it wasn’t true.

There were so many people (mainly my family) that didn’t ask for my side of the story.  They placed judgment on me based on the things she said.  I was never able to defend myself.  I just let one person after another call me, yell at me, tell me that I was no longer their blood, and leave my life forever.  She did those things to me. 

Forgiveness does not come so easily in this instance. 

I love my mom, but I’m also the type of person that only allows someone so evil to do such evil things against me once.  I never allow them back into my world again.  They can’t be trusted.  I’ll always look at them with mistrust wondering when they’ll wrong me again.  You don’t know if their “I’m sorry” was truthful, or whether they are collecting data to turn against you again. 

Those are the monsters you don’t let back in. 

She’ll never go to every single person and tell them she lied about me.  She’ll never tell people that she was wrong.  She’ll never tell people that the reason why her daughter wants nothing to do with her is because she lied and turned so many people against her own daughter.

My mom has no idea what my world is like now.  She has no concept of the life I have.  My brother won’t tell her. 

Instead, we watch her in her own state of purgatory…her own hell that she has created for herself.  We watch as she slowly twists and turns, grows crazier every single day, because she unleashed a horrible evil into the universe.  This is her karma.  We choose to not get involved with it.  She generated some horrific and nasty karma that will go on through until the next lifetime (or several lifetimes). 

It all started with those hateful words that day back in January 2006.  She kept the hate going and going and going…

This is her hell.  My brother and I choose to stay away from that hell she’s created for herself.  It’s sad, really.  The whole thing is just sad.  You never want to watch a person living in hell every single day for the rest of their life…but this evil karma she put out into the world…I have no control over her present or future. Forgiveness does not undo all of the evil she has done.

After all, I know that God sent a message to her in a dream saying “You’re not the victim, Michelle is.”  My brother told me about the dream she had.  He said that the dream/nightmare made her realize what she had done.

The interesting thing…God visited her shortly after I said to him that I forgave her because she knew not what she had done.  But because this problem was bigger than me…I was handing it over to God to take care of it.  He went to her and revealed in a dream just who was wrong in this matter.  If it had been me and I really was that evil person she said I was, I would have had that nightmare. 

Now, she keeps asking for forgiveness.  I’ve already forgiven her.  But since it is now clear who the victim was…the victim’s choice is to have nothing to do with that other person.  Jesus didn’t go back to being pals with Judas or those people that spat on him, mocked him and condemned him.  He didn’t become best friends with that jerk that stabbed him.  He definitely didn’t become best buddies with Pilate, now, did he?  He forgave them, and gave the rest of it up to God.

She has a lot of people to ask forgiveness from.  The greatest wrong was committed against me…BUT she wronged my entire family, my friends and her friends by telling a lie that brought their hearts to strongly hate someone that did none of those things she claimed had happened.  To make someone hate…that is a very big evil that has been unleashed into the world.

She needs to ask them for forgiveness too, not just me.  Then she’s going to have to learn to forgive herself…that forgiveness card may never come.

It’s funny that Katrina’s reading mentioned my family being in the dark about my life…little did I know that it would entail a letter from my mother.

Universe…really messing with me yesterday.

Now, when issues of the past come up like this, it happens for a reason.  Maybe it’s God’s way of saying…you’ve got to deal with these two major issues NOW before going any further along the journey.

The ironic thing is that I had a dream I was getting married and my MOM (please note my fingers typed that MOM annoyingly) was trying to help me get ready.  I kept looking at her thinking…you are the most evil person on the face of the planet and if I had it my way…you wouldn’t even be here right now! 

Now, my friends from high school know that mom helping with any kind of important event (like prom) is like looking at photos for the rest of your life thinking…WTF happened to my hair?!?!  She f*cked it up royally!  That’s why Moms don’t help out on special days.

The odd part in the dream said…your mom was made evil so that you would rise up and be good.  If it were the other way, you would be the one who was evil.  Be thankful that she chose to be evil so you could be good and change the world.

How’s that for God’s lesson… 

God always has his reasons for everything.  Showing fate one more time.  Having Mom drop in the picture again.  I don’t like that it’s happened…but the timing is accurate. 

The cards I did last night about fate showed something that will not change.  I tell fate, “NO” in the end.  The cards were very clear about that. 

[See, my friend was right…when the universe happens to me…this sh*t is deep.]

I know that I talk a lot about fate and embracing it.  I tell people all of the time to believe in it. 

Maybe because their fate stories will come out differently than mine. 

I boxed up my dream and my fate and forgot about them…or I at least tried to forget about them. 

Do you think God had me open up that box for no reason? 

When someone passes away, I believe they grant a wish to those closest to them in order to help them along on their journey.  My grandfather bestowed his dying wish upon me (and I still feel it to this day).

I’m wondering if FATE had a wish bestowed upon him.  If so, that’s the reason why the box was opened.

I know the truth about the situation.  Sometimes you want to believe in fate, but you’re too scared to believe in it.  What if you’re wrong?  What if that other person doesn’t feel the same way that you do?

What do you do when that person that the universe has been winking at tells you that they choose to love someone else?  How can you believe in fate after that?

The reason why the Rockstar situation is such an intense and touchy subject to me is because of FATE.  I really believed he was the one until he told me he wanted to love someone else [which, no surprise, things didn’t work out between those two].  I knew it would happen.  I foresaw it in a dream six months before we met.

The universe was winking at us.  It was so magical.  No one can explain it.  People thought it was so odd that they actually teased us about it…because they saw it too.  There was something special and magical about the two of us.

But those words…I CHOOSE…

How can a person believe in fate after that? 

I was pretty mad at God after that.  I was sooo mad.  That’s why my fate line is the way it is today.  That whole ‘magical’ and ‘amazing’ stuff stems from a moment of anger with God and a “You seriously owe me big time!” threat.  It’s better to not believe in fate when not believing in God is also on the line.

I literally felt like trickery had happened.  I felt like the universe had f*cked with me and made me believe in this horsesh*t…when all he was going to do was break my heart.  I was the biggest fool on the face of the planet to have believed in fate…to have believed that THIS GUY was fate.

This was a shake my fists to the sky kind of anger saying…WHY HAVE YOU MOCKED ME?!?!

Watch…the Rockstar’s going to read this…that is fate.

I don’t believe in fate…that’s what the cards say.  I fear the cards are correct.

So dear readers, I know I’ve talked about fate in this blog so many times.  I always tell people to believe in it…to chase after your dream…to get on your path in life…

When it comes to your career, I back that up 100%.  When it comes to love…you will never hear me say that again.  I just don’t believe in fate like I’m apparently supposed to, because fate left me shattered all over a beer stained floor of a bar in Seymour, Indiana.

I contend there’s something better than fate.  Fate, be damned, is cruel. I think Greek and Roman mythology teaches that.  The fates are cruel.  It will create the greatest tragedy known to mankind so that it will serve as a lesson to the rest of the world for centuries to come.  It’s the stuff they write about…the stuff that becomes legend.

I’m not the only one that writes this tale.  There are songs out there from other bands that talk about how I left…because he never told me the truth.

About Michelle Kenneth

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