As a take off from last month’s self-discovery at the spa, this month will focus completely on BEAUTY…and finding happiness in beauty.
Beauty comes in various forms, from objects of desire, to nature, to a beautiful moment…beauty is everywhere. But here, we’ll be getting into the deeper beauty.
I wrote a post last night, but it was all over the place, so I’m going to separate this first BEAUTY post up into my different ponderings of the day.
1. I wanted to start off this series with a story that still touches my soul to this very day. It’s all about seeing beauty in a new way.
Back in 2002, I was standing in line at a grocery store in Arlington, Virginia. There was a cute little boy sitting in the cart, while his dad was unloading the groceries onto the conveyor belt.
I noticed that the kid had some sort of disability…perhaps autism…I didn’t know. He never looked at anyone. He kept his hand in his mouth, drooling everywhere, and looking at nothing in particular.
I watched his father struggle to put one head of cabbage after the next onto the conveyor belt. I couldn’t help but feel bad for him, because it was evident that he was going through serious financial problems and hardships.
I had noticed the father before I realized that the child had a disability. When I realized the reason for the hardship radiating from the father, I felt compassion for him. He struggled so much all in the name of that child sitting in front of me.
When the cashier saw the child, she backed up in horror. She looked at the little boy like he was a freak of nature.
I was astounded that someone would look at a child like that.
I looked at the kid, thinking how bad I felt for him after the way she looked at him, and then I realized something…it didn’t matter.
To him, he didn’t care what someone else thought of him. He didn’t care that someone had passed judgment on him. He had no awareness of the hatred and nastiness being hurled his way. It didn’t hurt him. It didn’t scald him. It didn’t leave an imprint on him.
Why? Because he was oblivious to his surroundings. He had no cares as to what someone else felt about him…or thought about him. He was, in essence, in the purest of forms that a child can be in…in a world where the world can’t hurt him emotionally or mentally.
He has not been corrupted by the world. He is purity and innocence.
To me, that was beauty in itself. To be in a state where the evils of the world cannot harm you…including the judgments we pass upon ourselves…that is bliss. To not be hurt when someone looks at you like you are a freak. To not care what someone thinks of you. To have no acknowledgement of any evil that has ransacked this world…that is beauty.
I will always remember standing there, looking at the child and thinking…there’s an angel talking to him. His only focus is on that angel.
That’s what I see when I see kids with autism. Their minds are so elevated, that we cannot understand where they are or what they are thinking. It’s almost like they are lost in thought, listening to an angel.
My heart always goes out to parents that struggle with raising a child with a disability. It’s a tough adventure, but it teaches us to love deeper and stronger.
For that little boy sitting in that shopping cart, I admire him. What most of us wouldn’t give to sit there and listen to angels 24/7, and not have a care in the world. There is a beauty in that…to not care what other people think…to not hear the negative comments we make to ourselves. To not care that the world is out to hurt us…to have no understanding that people are hurting and will push their hurt out onto you…to not hurt…that is admirable.
There are many who wish they could live in a world where there is no pain. Looking into this little boy’s eyes, he has no concept of pain…or the fact that someone has judged him a freak. He doesn’t know and doesn’t care. He is immune to that hurt.
There is a lesson in all of this. When your focus is on God, the world’s pain means nothing to you. You don’t participate in the drama of the world. You don’t acknowledge their sorrows. You only focus on God.
Shouldn’t we all aim to have no cares when it concerns the drama of the world? Shouldn’t we be as oblivious as that child was to those who pass judgment upon us (in a hurtful manner)? Shouldn’t we have all of that peaceful, pure power to not let others cause harm to us?
That little boy had so much power. Most of us would have been hurt by the way that cashier looked at him. Even I felt bad for the little boy. But the fact that it didn’t bother him…that’s what made the moment so beautiful.
Why focus on other people’s feelings and emotions? It’s not like they were right.
We should aim to be like that child…fearless, unattached, and always with our eyes to God. We can be just as free as he was that day…and be without sorrow.
To me, that child was so beautiful…because 10 years later, I’m still thinking about that beautiful moment where he taught me so much. That moment even inspired a song way back when. That song was about seeing that beauty within him…it was the most beautiful thing in the world.
2. Since I started off talking about kids…my universe has started to take a strange turn. The biological clock has started to tick. Mean joke, God…really.
Everywhere I turn there’s some sign that says “Baby” and “You.” I’m seeing it everywhere…on billboards, on signs, in emails, in ads, in the news, on Twitter…I’m about to go nuts. Even my dreams are filled with babies. This is the universe’s way of saying, “It’s time.” *shakes fist at God*
Funny how at the Meditation Center on Monday the topic of babies came up (see…like I said…it’s everywhere). What was interesting was that the teacher that I’ve been sitting with the past couple of weeks has been reading me and talking about everything she’s picking up in the class (without telling the class which person she’s talking about).
One of the things she spoke about was her decision to forego relationships, marriage, and a family. She spoke about those reasons, but when she said she made the decision not to have a child, I saw it.
I know that sorrow, because I’ve felt it before…that decision to not have a child.
It’s like breaking your own heart before the universe can do it for you. Yep, I knew that look.
After I was diagnosed with skin cancer, I was told that I would always have it. It was a matter of it being dormant or awake. After my surgery in 2008, the doctors said that it had awakened again. I went through the next year praying it would go back to sleep and not turn into another surgery where I would have to have more tumors removed.
During that time, I thought about the things in life that I wanted…to get married to someone wonderful, and to have a family. The more and more I thought on it, the more and more I realized that it may not be a wise choice.
I knew that if I were to have any type of surgery, I may not survive it. Getting my body into the green zone again, after being on the borderline red/yellow zone (leaning more towards the red), became more and more important. The thoughts of the dangers of having a child in my condition weighed heavily upon my mind. What if the cancer won in the next decade? Wouldn’t it be wrong of me to do that to a child? To leave them without their mother?
The universe’s answer to those questions were not what I anticipated.
For some odd reason, I got hit with a lot of stories about women with cancer that were able to give birth (and found a cure during their pregnancy). I read so many stories of women that didn’t think it was possible, but God gave them HOPE. He granted them their deepest wish…a child worth living for.
The lesson learned here is that you should never close doors on a future that you know deep within your own soul that you want very badly. The universe will not allow you to close that door.
To tell yourself that you cannot marry or have a child, when you know deep down that you want that, is like committing a sin.
Whenever I give sorrow to myself (or others), I am committing a sin.
To tell yourself that a child is not in your cards…when it’s something you want so deeply, you are causing yourself sorrow. That is a sin.
Over this past year, I’ve learned that the door must always remain open to possibilities. Whether it is through birth or adoption, the door remains open to those possibilities. Who am I to deny myself something that I want so badly that will not only be good for my soul, but be good for another soul?
Make effort to make yourself better for the next time.
That was the lesson of the day on Monday night.
No matter what you do in life, you can always make effort to do it better the next time. It’s like this whole happiness project…I’m constantly making effort to make myself better…cleaning out all the clutter of emotions, thoughts, traumas, unhappiness…and just plain old crap that I don’t need.
I decided I wanted to do this because I don’t want to take this baggage along with me anymore. It’s getting heavy, and I’m not getting any happier by carrying it with me. I’d like the load to be lifted. By letting go of that baggage, I’m feeling better the further I go along.
Going back to the Meditation Center after a 2-year hiatus was what I felt compelled to do. I needed to learn more. All of the tools I needed have been given to me over these past few weeks.
When I learned to forgive, I also learned why I learned to hate.
I was more mad at my mother for making me feel hate within my soul for the first time. The way she lied and got others to hate me…and made me look like the most evil person on the face of the planet…that made me feel hate for the very first time in my life…the kind of hate that makes you turn to true evil.
Why was that emotion so strong? Ends up that feeling I had in that moment was a direct result of karma. When you don’t learn the lesson the first few times, it gets worse and worse until you learn the lesson.
You should never base your actions on emotions, because who is to say that what you are feeling is right? How we react to things is always a direct result from the past. The feelings that come from it are not an objective way to judge.
In the past, I’ve had people that were ‘friends’ that betrayed me, would get others to gang up on me (by telling lies and spreading them), and make me out to be this horrible person. I would always sever ties with them, walk away and deem them as not trustworthy and evil people.
Imagine when my mother did that and the only thing I could say was, “You are just like all of THEM.” As in…you’re just like all of those evil sons of bitches out there in the world. They are all monsters…which means that my mother was now a monster in my eyes.
You can’t go through your mind “Why?” they would do this to you. If you spend too much time thinking on it, you’ll never get to the bottom of it. Most times, jealousy runs rampant when these things happen. But why it happens to you…that is the question. Why does it keep happening to you? That is the correct question.
I’ve learned that the reason why the situation got worse and worse was because I didn’t learn the lesson from it. I didn’t learn to FORGIVE. I didn’t learn to LOVE them, because I didn’t see that they were hurting inside.
I’m reminded of the moral of the story of Jesus dying on the cross. He forgave those that transgressed against him. He still loved them, even when they threw hate at him. He took it, carried the weight upon his shoulders and forgave them, because they did not know what they had done.
He still loved, even when the world hated him. He still forgave, even though he didn’t have to. He did it for himself. He did it for them. He did it for God.
Jesus received the same teachings that I do now. He tried to show to the world that there was another, better way. But the world chose their way, and crucified his ways. Yet, they still try to understand his ways without getting too close (ergo, never truly understanding the true message).
Learning to forgive and love your enemies is probably the hardest thing in the world to do, but repeating (even if just a prayer to yourself) “I forgive you, for you do not understand what you do to me,” is enough to be better than you were before.
This has been the hardest lesson for me to learn…forgiving and loving my enemies. But when I think about how karma works…the thought of experiencing something much, much worse than what I endured with my mother scares the crap out of me. It’s better to stop the cycle here. Forgive. Love. The End. Learn the lesson now, not later.
We need to always look for ways to improve ourselves in everything that we do. We must always focus on how to create better moments and a better life, not only for ourselves, but for everyone.
Always ask yourself how you can do it better next time. Life is not perfect, but we can always do it better.
So to tie that in with last month’s discovery…you can tell yourself you’re beautiful (and stop beating yourself up)…do one better…try believing it.